Where Is That Remote?

My life feels like pretty much of a mess right now. I live with my dog Ch'ng Li, my cat Molly, books, computer, writing, harp, TV and most of the time . . . the remote. I hate housework and cooking, so therefore I live pretty casually for the most part. I'm an English and History major with a smattering of Psychology. I'm also at the difficult end of the hiring scale, being on the dark side of fifty and haven't done enough in any one career to actually say I have one. Except fora lot of experience in library/filing/research work, which I love, but there is no need for it with computers. The last place I worked I had a facilitating postion and ran around after everyone, that ended when the company was bought out and I got laid off. That is very important, it means that I was not fired or let go for any reason other than there was no more job, not due to my inefficiency. But, that was a year ago and I am now going to learn to live on my own income that has been put aside for me to use. I used to be married, legally I still am, but he had other plans for his life and I spent a lot of years going thru the worst time of my life. The shock sent me into a tailspin, complete with PTSD, lapses in memory, and absolutely no concentration. I had been in the midst of taking my high school diploma so I could begin taking university courses for and English degree when KaBOOM!!!!! My life blew up. I felt like I was a walking earthquake, out of control, weak, walking into walls, crying, numb for years, life was just plain surreal, I couldn't tell reality from imagination. Years and years and years pass . . . . Sitting here tonight mulling over the day, I want to turn down the sound on my best friend, TV, and there it is, gone again. Where is that damned remote? The one question I ask more often in a day than anything else. I'll look for it later, right now I'm mulling. When I woke up this morning, I remembered (something! anything!) that I had transferred money from another account to be here by today, for the weekend. Now that I am not working, can't find work, unemployment has run out, I'm living on savings (Read: Independently Wealthy) but only if the funds come in. So, I got coffee, high finance always requires coffee, and turned on the computer to check the bank account. Well, guess what? It wasn't there, big surprise. Called the transferring bank and they said it left, I tried to hold it together and not fall apart with my money lost in cyber space. I rang off and called the second bank. They said that it would take 1-2 business days to clear, that means Monday at the earliest. Someone really does think I'm independently wealthy and doesn't care that I am trying very hard to hold the threads of my life together. Suddenly, I can think of about a thousand things I need and can't wait even a minute longer. I am all out of food for the animals and can't wait till the bank decides to release my money. So, after saying good bye to Ch'ng and asking forgiveness for not leaving her home for an hour instead of leaving her to sit in a car alone while I do this errand, off I went to the grocery store I only needed a few things so who needs a list. Getting into the store was good for Friday afternoon traffic. Headed to the pet food isle first and grabbed that. That's the point when the confusion sets in, buying a few things for me is much more complicated. I head to the produce isle and can't focus, my mind is on ice cream, dark chocolate, while over at the dried fruit bin I started fondling the lid of the dark chocolate, back to the apricots and prunes, hard choice here. Had to pass frozen pizzas and chips as I ambled over to the oranges and tomatoes. They had cauliflower for $1.68 each, good price, its mine. Got thru the check-out and back home in good time. For some reason I checked the till strip and saw cauliflower: 4@ $1.68 = $6.72 . . . What??? I didn't buy 4! I am not pay seven bucks for cauliflower!!! So I grabbed the cauli and the receipt and tossed them in a bag and off to the store I went. I practiced smiling on the way, if it was their mistake, me in a rotten mood wouldn't endear me to their heart and they might not be very helpful. But, as I walked in beaming and some old guy jockeyed in front of me with his lottery ticket, I'm waiting and smiling :) When I got to the counter, she said, "oh, she overcharged you, a lot." I got my $5.05 back and left, without ice cream, it wasn't on sale. So, here I am sitting on the couch, scared to check the bank and . . . where is that damn remote? Now that I have spent all my cash on the groceries I have to sit here all weekend, broke. Feeling poor. Boy, next time I have to transfer funds I am going to do it by phone and make them do all the work so it will get done right the first time. I'll never get this technology right, there's always a button that I miss and the transaction doesn't go thru. Right now I have this strange feeling of . . um, er, dunno, aside from the animals, feeding them, cleaning the litter box, walking little precious, I have no responsibility to anyone. The money I receive will cover my expenses till I can collect the government pension and continue to live as I am now, basically. Since the big KaBOOM I have had little interest in activities, pastimes, life. Having newly discovered the endless, empty days and a remote, I have done little with my time since Christmas when I completed my last course and passed well. It was meant to get me a job, but not in this economy where the competition is so intense. I have never had to go do the hard stuff to get work and having strolled thru the golden arches of fifty has made it increasingly difficult to the point that I have lost all interest in working also. This year, as usual, I have set some goals for the year. The difference between resolutions and goals is that resolutions are made to be broken and never see the light of day past Jan 31 any year. Goals, on the other hand, are made with the expectation of starting small and building to the end of the year, doing regular bits and by the end of the year it is completed. Of course, it doesn't always work, but unlike the 'joining a gym' type that are designed to not work, these are designed to be continued year after year until I finally take an interest. O yes, take an interest, that could be my mantra for the year, smile and take an interest. Well, thati's it for now, I am off to get into comfies and get ready for anything good on TV . . where is that damn remote? I have to go look, its driving me crazy.