My Recent Non-Activities

Lately I've been a little unavailable on this blog. It isn't that I have lost interest this early in the game, its about not feeling up to par at the moment. I may as well say here and now that I seem to be having problems with my health. It isn't anything that I know anything about. Its called Panic Attacks. I may have had an experience with it years ago when something caused me to go into yet, another tailspin over very little, just like it was an event of real importance. A friend asked me what it felt like when I first got hit with it . . . a week ago. I told her it was like a huge ball of fear hitting me in the midsection, taking my breath away, lost hearing and vision went blurry, equalibriam left and I wanted to just run. But, from what? which way? what's so wrong here? I forced myself to stay and complete my business, thinking that I would work thru it and leave knowing that there was nothing wrong and I would be fine, ready to move on. Well, not exactly . . .

I got home, got the stuff out of the car, and found the couch for a rest. The problem is that a week later I still have not gotten off the couch, back to making lists of wash & brush teeth and hair, dog walking clothes. Can you believe it? I am back at barely making it mode! How can I end up in such a mess and how do I get back to regular living again? At the moment I am living in front of the TV and on my computer, surfing the net. Yippee!!!!! It looks like I am list-happy too, I have several in differnt books and nothing gets done. In my journal, in my household book, in my morning pages, I write down three things that I need to get done this day and then I have to check them off and put things down that could be done tomorrow. Probly, I would do better to go back to my pre list making category. In this I have a sheet of paper with the date on it and as I do something, I write it down and check it off in red pen. It takes all the pressure off not getting the list done and feeling like that big-L loser that is so detrimental to my mental attitude.

I think I've had these attacks before, but I don't remember them lasting this long at any one time, a day or two at most. Wish I had followers/readers who could let me know if this is normal or what I could do to take care of it. I need to go for groceries, ha ha ha ~ that should be a lark :) I'm trying very hard just to lie low and not put any pressure on myself, but when I attempt a task I make myself finish it to the way I usually would do it; ie: dishes washed, counters cleared & wiped, sink emptied, leave them to dry overnight.

I'm very unhappy, this is not supposed to be a blog about me, its supposed to be about events/errands that I attend to each day. Its supposed to be about me reporting the things that go on out in the city where I live.

So long for now, I'll try to get to the grocery store and let you know how that works out for me.

Meg :)

Garden Centre Madness

Once again I got the outside to the point of being able to see what is needed from the garden centre and make a list of things to purchase. Going thru the entrance became a brand new reason for confusion. There were absolutely rows and rows of tiny pots of flowers, so jambed together that it was impossible to really see what there was. I know that these places don't have a lot of storage space to keep things so that they can be put out in a more attractive fashion to non-shoppers like myself, but in order for me to drop my cash down, it had better be something that appeals to me. There are no deals in these places, so I need to be able to breathe while I'm there trying to make my selections. Looking for pruners? They are over there in that box, right next to the boxes of . . . um, er, everything else. Do they not have time? Do they not have staff? Whatever the problem is, they need to address it. I kept looking at my list, put things I could easily find into my basket and left. I'll need to do another trip over when things thin out and the plants are half dead, causing them to be on for half price so they don't lose too much cash. Look, I realize that its a business and they need to make a profit, to cover expenses. I just think that if they are going to want to charge me for merchandise, that I deserve to feel like I am being appreciated for my patronage. Maybe these centres with a very small season need to think about joining forces and have one huge farm with all the merchandise and people available in one space. I know it would turn into a fifty acre endeavour, but it would also be a better run facility that could cater to customers better. Enough parking, enough staff, enough space to spread out the plants and display them to non-shoppers who get confused easily. Meg

Trip to the Airport

Today I had to take a run out to the airport. It was a quick trip that didn't involve acturally going inside. I was driving a friend out there to catch an early morning plane to LAX. Its always interesting driving with someone else when they have their own route and I've never been on these roads before. My course would be straight down the Pat Bay freeway and turn left at the big intersection. She is a nervous traveler; therefore, the decision was made that we would take her car and she would drive going out, to give her something to do. Sure, that works. We turned off at a road that I didn't even know would lead anywhere except the Red Barn grocery & produce store, as we wound around I discovered where the industrial area is, found the psost office, drove further to find that we came out about three quarters of the way up the freeway. As we got up to the intersection to turn towards the airport I saw big construction going on. What is this, I asked. My friend ssaid that she thinks it is going to be a new overpass for easier access to the airport. Okay then, I didn't even know there was construction so I won't argue. We took the detour that showed me more streets I'd neer seen before, nor did I realize that it would get you to the right place to cocnnect back onto the airport road. Well, it did so we continued and got there on time. On the way back, being alone, I had to watch for the detour signs and try to stay focused. Oh good a bus, turning right, so did I . . . right into a bus stop, great! I was able to do a turn around and get out onto the freeway that was about a 100 feet away, duh. Once I was on the main road again I made good time getting back here and parking her car in her drive and get in the house by 8 AM, just like I promised my poochie. We did a little dance of joy and congratulated each other on our anniversary after walking in here five years ago today, on May 17th at 8 AM, and taking up our life out here. Meg

Groceries and the HST

Going for groceries seems like a pretty benign sort of activity. I have always thot so, also. The best way to add intrigue to this activity is to find a gimmick. I found this morning that I was in a bit of a funk and as the day went along, it got worse - to the point of being in tears during our daily walk. Then I came back to find out we were out of dog food and had to go out anyway. When I got into the store my concern was that I would buy fifty dollars worth of junk food and be living on ice cream and cookies all week, so would the animals. My fears were unfounded. I left the store with a dozen items, went thru the express check-out and spent fifty bucks!!! How did that happen?? Everything I purchased was serious groceries and the receipt didn't show any overcharges. I am inclined to think that this new HST tax is causing the local stores to be hiking up their prices just a teeny bit in all areas so that when the tax comes in we won't notice that it all When the GST came in, it was noticed by everyone that prices went up at the same time and there was a lot of confusion surrounding what was taxable and what wasn't. For a while we were being charged incorrectly and you had to catch the mistake and go back to the store over a couple of cents here and there. Its happening again and the same scenario seems to be starting up again and there seems to be less on the shelves too. Can we continue to allow the government to make changes in a tax structure that does not belong in the system and making the constant changes helps no one except the guys with the deep, bulging pockets who think they still need more of our money to keep those raises coming in. My day didn't get any better after I realized that it is going to cost me more to buy what little I keep in the house and I don't have many places I can cut down as I don't have a huge variety of food that I need to keep in. Unfortunately, if I can't figure out how to continue living in all the new ways of the economy, I have no idea how the people who don't watch their shopping habits as closely as I do. Meg

Is this a sad finale???

I realized that this week there was a Thursday 13th and know that I have heard about the concept in which this is the first of a seventeen year span with no Friday 13ths. I have checked up on it as much as possible and it appears to be true. The calendar on my computer lets me go as far into the future as I want and it seems to be accurate. Now, I have no problem with this date; the thing is that by the time it comes back round again there will be an entire generation of children near the age of adulthood who will never have even heard of it and it could possibly just disappear into the strata sphere forever. Preschool children today will not understand what Friday 13th means young adults ranging in age from seventeen year olds to twenty-two year olds will be part of the real beginnings of a whole new world. Is it good? Or is it a bad thing? That isn't for me to choose. I think that it is sad to think that something that's been around for such a lot of time that changes a single day in a week every few months or so that gives people something to think and talk about, just a little blip on the screen. It was first recorded in English in 1869 as an especially unlucky day, and one that I have always seen as a good day. Maybe its because the fear kept all everyone so occupied that there was little left for me to concern myself with and things went smoothly. Whatever you believe this day to represent, I believe you will notice a significant loss in the old standby. What next ? April Fool's Day ?? Meg

That was my day

I don't really have a lot to report on for this event. It was taking my car to the garage to get the work done that I have been checking around and getting estimates for. I knew it had to be done as the smell from the fumes was getting so bad that I have been starting to feel unwell. Now is a terrible time to be needing to get mechanical work done and it makes me sort of angry that after all these years of great performance it starts breaking down when there is no work and no money coming in.

I had an appointment for 9AM. I knew that there was one injector that needed replacing, the other places said that was the case. This place was still going with not doing anything more than replacing the seals and check the injectors. They checked, but more on that later. First they got me a ride back; they called a cab and paid for it ~ thanks guys ~ that gave me the day to hang around and wait for a report from them. The call came in around noon and they had found the injector to be replaced. Jason, the mechanic, quoted me a price for this part and with all the foreign info I was taking in, it took me a while to hear that the price was double what I had originally been quoted if I need one.

So, I called back and talked to Jason, he said he'd check and call back, half hour later he called to say that the price I got was for a reconditioned one for a different year of my car, all we can get is a new one. So, what did I want to do? I had to take the new part, the car could catch fire if a guy beside me threw a cigarette butt out driving down the road, but it brought the price up to much higher.

At 3:20 PM I got a call and the work was complete, they had done a thorough check, arrangements were made for me to call a cab to get me back and they did pick up the tab on that also. At the counter I kissed my credit card good-bye and got us released. The experience of functioning in unfamiliar territory was good, hope I don't have to do it again for a long long time.

Tiredly, Meg

Today's mission was to go out to a job doing some file organizing. I have been working with this gal for a few weeks now and it would be great to get it finished. The problem with people who work from home is that they have things they don't like doing and its like pulling teeth to get to the last teeny bits. At some point it will become crucial and then the race will be on to get things finished ASAP. Well, today was like it just wasn't supposed to happen. I got ready to go, left close to the time that I had planned, drove out and tried to turn the corner and nearly drove right into construction. A little mental gymnastics got me heading in the right, but long way round to her house. As I drove it became clear that road construction was going to cause me to be late no matter which way I went. So, sat back and tried not to get toooo frustrated, About a block from the house I suddenly realized that I didn't have my wallet in my bag, it was sitting on the counter at home. O Brother!!! now I have to calm down again, I'm starting to think that I am going to be in terrible shape and I'm the one needing to have a clear head for working with a disorganized client. Then I got there and my usual parking spot was taken, I went down the street a ways and still nothing. Then I turned the corner and got further away and boy was I frustrated and the missing purse was really on my mind. Now I'm thinking that this might not be the best for either of us for today. I decided to go home and get it and maybe start over again, tried to call her but the phone was tied up, left a message which she responded to and we had a chat about this. All the time she had was this couple of hours for the week. Schedules are colliding for the rest of the week. This is where it gets dicey, when the work needs to get done and I get the impression that the client isn't that interested. Maybe I am having a problem with that aspect; when clients aren't interested then its really difficult to show them how to keep any system going on a daily basis, independently. Wanted to report on how well this went and that its tied up now. Happy customer :) but not in the cards for today at least :( Meg P.S. As for me, when I was waiting for the car to get one of the estimates, and had my dog out walking, we found a Monk's stationery store. I went in to check it out, loooove stationery, they have office furniture also and I found exactly what I need if I am going to do a reno on the spare room and want to tear out the closet. It is a perfect sized wardrobe that holds a few clothes and lots of drawer/bunk style storage for company who only needs enough to stay a few days, floor to ceiling. What a find!!!

Servicing My Car

Have you ever had problems that you don't know anything about and in order to get it fixed you'll have to deal with things so totally foriegn that you have no idea where to even begin? This is what is going on in my life at the moment. Lately I've been having a problem with my car giving off fumes and it is getting quite strong so I am trying to do a bit of detective work to find out what it is exactly and a price . . . that won't scare me to death. I took it to my regular garage and they told me that I have a leaking injector and that's causing the problem. They also said that there are four in my car and comes with seals for each that needs to be replaced also. They want to replace the bad injector and all seals. I keep thinking that every time this repair gets done that I will need to replace all the seals as they aren't reuseable. I took the car into a different place this morning, it was the dealership where I got the car in the first place, and they couldn't take it immediately so I've had to make an appointment for 1 PM this afternoon. So, we'll see what happens then. The first thing I noticed is that as soon as I pulled in, I was asked if I were there to buy a new car. Great opening line, if you are the least bit insecure about the car you drive, then they can tell and they have your number. I'm going back in a few minutes, so lets see how round two goes. Now that I have returned from my trip out for a sencond opinion which sounds like it could be even higher, as it is the dealership, it will be all new parts, and they want to do a bigger job than the garages want to do. It looks like its all in the injector-thingies and not anything to do with the manifold, these are all the reports I'm getting back. I have gotten two estimates back and now, I'm waiting for the final one from my usual, favorite garage. I can't believe that I am actrually going to be slapping more stuff down on my credit card when I just took out a small loan for the last big job I had done. Sooooo, I guess I'm still waiting, but I'm really tired and don't want to be trying to start this in the evening when I'm really done. At the end of the day it turns out that I am going to go to my regular guy, at a garage that most of my friends wish I didn't deal with, after getting two second opinions (just sto make everyone happy) and getting the bill for the estimates, it seems as tho the first guy was the best guy. I'm really glad that I went thru all the hard work of going to other places and getting comfortable discussing topics that are definitely out of my comfort zone. The car goes in tomorrow morning and I'll be back on the road by end of day, apparently. Happy Traveling, Meg btw: I will report back if things don't go well

My Current Messy Life

I'm not sure how I have gotten to this point in my life. I have a dog that I don't walk, a house I don't clean, books I don't read, projects I don't finish. Even laundry I have not folded this week. I feel like the world's biggest procrastinator. I also work against myself; even if I want to do something I often won't do it if anyone makes a critical comment. That's when I choose to punish them by refusing to do anything, dig my heels in and go into rebellion. I am what is known as an abandoned child. I was not adopted but I was born to parents who did not want me and never really warmed up to me. There was a lot of criticism in my early years which caused me to get my hackles up and they just never came down again. I believe that one thing to cause children to have a lot of learning disabilities is just the treatment they receive in their formative pre-school years and at some point its required that they must go back to learning to crawl again . . . Aand! be praised for it. I come up with new ideas, I get bored easily, that I could do for some form of activity and I begin to write out a description of it so that I will have a end result to work towards. As soon as I start to begin the work, I quickly forget to keep up with it and it soon becomes a thing of the past . For instance, recently I was having a lot of conversations with my inner 8-year old, so I decided to start a diary so she could keep a running log of what she does daily. Well, two weeks went by and all was well, since then its been another week with no entries. Am I going to continue? It would be a very good thing if I did, its an exposee on how I could have gone back to childhood and learned how to work for myself, not looking for praise and ignoring the critcism of those who don't approve of me. Learning how to take up a project, do everything in my power to get my best out of me, learning to complete a project, learning to take criticism from those I don't see as a threatening person. In short, self-confidence. My final outcome was to show me how I could be living today if I had decided to grow up in spite of the fact that I didn't have a support system in place. I would not have ended up unemployed with absolutely no interest in life, Is it true that men need to see women as doing all the heavy lifting in life to want to be around them? My way is to let people know what I can't do so that I will get help when I run into trouble. It doesn't seem to be in my best interest. I wouldn't rather do it all myself, trust me :) I have come up with a new activity that I think can be fun. I like writing, but it gets boring quickly when most of my day is taken up with watching too much TV . . . like I mean A LOT. I can get up and turn it on at 6 AM and even with the lowest tier of channels, find something to watch all day and have to make myself turn it off at 11 PM. That is 17 hours of straight TV watching ~ ~ and its all reruns till 8 PM as a rule. I could be at the point of going into a semi-retirement (forced) due to my age and lack of jobs out there. So, I have to start thinking of ways to occupy myself. Don't I??? This new activity comes from the idea that would get me dressed and out of the house for awhile everyday. I will find a different event or reason to go out in public daily. This will be chosen by bedtime the day before, directions will be checked out, parking, other details, and I'll get dressed in work-type clothes to go there. It can be a store for a small purchase or an opening, whatever, I'll observe and take notes so that I can come back and report just as any other free lancer would do to make something in my day hold value. Hopefully, I will get in touch with other parts of myself that I usually ignore, and that I allow the control that others have ~ like everyone in the world ~ to be more important than what I want for myself. I also want to have a highlight of the day section at the bottom, but for now I am just not there yet. Think maybe it would be a good idea to try to keep my inner child writing and working on her life. Cheers, Meg .