My Current Messy Life

I'm not sure how I have gotten to this point in my life. I have a dog that I don't walk, a house I don't clean, books I don't read, projects I don't finish. Even laundry I have not folded this week. I feel like the world's biggest procrastinator. I also work against myself; even if I want to do something I often won't do it if anyone makes a critical comment. That's when I choose to punish them by refusing to do anything, dig my heels in and go into rebellion. I am what is known as an abandoned child. I was not adopted but I was born to parents who did not want me and never really warmed up to me. There was a lot of criticism in my early years which caused me to get my hackles up and they just never came down again. I believe that one thing to cause children to have a lot of learning disabilities is just the treatment they receive in their formative pre-school years and at some point its required that they must go back to learning to crawl again . . . Aand! be praised for it. I come up with new ideas, I get bored easily, that I could do for some form of activity and I begin to write out a description of it so that I will have a end result to work towards. As soon as I start to begin the work, I quickly forget to keep up with it and it soon becomes a thing of the past . For instance, recently I was having a lot of conversations with my inner 8-year old, so I decided to start a diary so she could keep a running log of what she does daily. Well, two weeks went by and all was well, since then its been another week with no entries. Am I going to continue? It would be a very good thing if I did, its an exposee on how I could have gone back to childhood and learned how to work for myself, not looking for praise and ignoring the critcism of those who don't approve of me. Learning how to take up a project, do everything in my power to get my best out of me, learning to complete a project, learning to take criticism from those I don't see as a threatening person. In short, self-confidence. My final outcome was to show me how I could be living today if I had decided to grow up in spite of the fact that I didn't have a support system in place. I would not have ended up unemployed with absolutely no interest in life, Is it true that men need to see women as doing all the heavy lifting in life to want to be around them? My way is to let people know what I can't do so that I will get help when I run into trouble. It doesn't seem to be in my best interest. I wouldn't rather do it all myself, trust me :) I have come up with a new activity that I think can be fun. I like writing, but it gets boring quickly when most of my day is taken up with watching too much TV . . . like I mean A LOT. I can get up and turn it on at 6 AM and even with the lowest tier of channels, find something to watch all day and have to make myself turn it off at 11 PM. That is 17 hours of straight TV watching ~ ~ and its all reruns till 8 PM as a rule. I could be at the point of going into a semi-retirement (forced) due to my age and lack of jobs out there. So, I have to start thinking of ways to occupy myself. Don't I??? This new activity comes from the idea that would get me dressed and out of the house for awhile everyday. I will find a different event or reason to go out in public daily. This will be chosen by bedtime the day before, directions will be checked out, parking, other details, and I'll get dressed in work-type clothes to go there. It can be a store for a small purchase or an opening, whatever, I'll observe and take notes so that I can come back and report just as any other free lancer would do to make something in my day hold value. Hopefully, I will get in touch with other parts of myself that I usually ignore, and that I allow the control that others have ~ like everyone in the world ~ to be more important than what I want for myself. I also want to have a highlight of the day section at the bottom, but for now I am just not there yet. Think maybe it would be a good idea to try to keep my inner child writing and working on her life. Cheers, Meg .