I know, I'm supposed to do this every night, well life doesn't seem to go in a linear pattern for me these days. There's a lot of lumps in them thar lines. I get up everyday wanting to get better at my routines, create more, new ones. Discipline was going to become . . . not regimented, as much as organized and able to do more automatically while using less energy.
Now that I am able to see that being rested gives me the mental strength I need to think well and behave properly, the flashes into my past are all of times that I was in a state of unrest that went on for days or even weeks with no let up in which I was out of control, thinking I could catch up later. At some point it seems that we are all 'breaking down' and then the self-care begins. Too bad it all comes at cost to our health and life that we have worked so hard to cultivate, sculpt, create.
Last night I was unable to sleep till 4 AM and then caught a couple of hours before I had to get up and tend to the animals. Today I am fortunate to be able to laze around and choose my tasks without the pressure of anyone making demands upon my time. It might sound like a luxury but I see where we don't make our lives fit our personal needs, instead we try to live the life we have romanticized that we want life to be. If we were to know ourselves well enough to know what we are capable of, and work to that mandate we would not have the amount of health issues. I know that we can't know if we want kids before they get here, but we can find ways to care for other people's on volunteer occasions; lots of age groups.
If you know what you like doing and do. If you focus on what you like and not change course, you'll love your life. You want to be a doctor and no one thinks you can make it, or there is no money for the education, figure out what you can do for yourself. Keep your school work as a priority, study hard-er, investigate the reality of what a doctor's life looks like, not what you dream it can be. Some things are negotiable, others are not. If you want to grow up and get married and have children, look at how much you like doing the chores you are sent to do now. Do you do a good job? Do you look for the little extras that make it better? Do you do them without being told? If not, you may just be looking at housewife as an easy way out and you won't last long at it. If you don't like the whole job, figure out what you are good at, what you like doing and discover what aspect of that you want to pursue . . . and go after it full throttle.
By knowing the life you want, and be willing to let go of some of the things that don't work for you; don't try to be everything to everyone and lose yourself in the process, you won't break down or hate the life you have gotten into. It eats at you and you never feel like a success.
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