Its time for me to get serious about this life and this blog. I have had a question posed to me about . . . . well, would I take him back if I had the chance to do it today? I've been having so much flashing back to me and I think, how could I have put up with that? Why did I stay? how in the world did I not see what was going on? I get so sad that I just hate myself completely and have no clear thinking of how to go on from where I am, what I'm doing now. Live in Now, Be Present.
There were so many times that I got the feelings, senses, urgings to just go, leave, get out of there. The lies that were so obvious you could drive a truck thru them. The times that I'd come in and be alone there for so many hours, the money that never showed up. The dark times that the world was closing in around me and I needed to flee. Darekness and heaviness that followed me for a very long week and I thot I was going to die, then it lifted and he had had an accident, wrecked a pick up, and ended up in hospital. There was a woman there too, but he lied and lied and lied. Took the fall for some woman, but that's alright. Caught him in bed with an indian in an Edmonton hotel room one night, at the same time I had to confront him about being charged with molesting 13-yr old Melissa, his step-daughter. He didn't appear surprised or scared, rather he was angry with me for coming up and interupting his party. In my madness I thot oh well, no one is going to be looking for us at 4 in the morning.
Right now I feel so remote, so removed from life and the world. I'm living in this new century with wierd numbers and on an island with no easy access to the mainland, no sense of life going on. I've never been able to get the real feeling of life going on.
there is a lot of truth in the above information and I don't know how to deal with it in a way that will let me move on in the life I was supposed to be living all along. Life is very miserable.
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