I Think We Could Get Spring

Not sure, nothing day, dunno.

That about sums up the whole day. I got up feeling 'out of sorts'. Then got coffee going and started feeling worse, turned into a complete headache and miserable, as I was doing my AM journaling I could feel the anger rising and lost concentration, leading to not getting the writing done. I got fresh coffee and Ch'ng got up and let herself out for a piddle. We resumed our positions. The headache got worse, think I have a tumor? I took something, at 8:30 in the morning I'm taking something for pain . . . Hello!!!

I knew I wasn't going to get much done for a while, if I was able to think of a task I wasn't able to stand up and do it anyhow. So there it was, the morning. Started reading one of the books off my kids shelf and got into it, but suddenly it felt like I was going to actually make headway with it and got distracted. Sometimes it isn't about losing concentration causing me to quit what I'm doing, its that I can see me making progress and give myself signals to stop now. I think this could be some of the old behavior that I have always used to put things off, procrastinate. Hmmm, that is very interesting.

I've been putting off redoing my nails for three days now, probly that thinking above has caused me to put off writing here. My sweater is 3/4 done and still sitting, waiting for me to get back to finish it. Y'day I cleaned out the fridge, pulled everything out, collected shelving and put it into the bathtub, washed it all and reassembled it. Big job, took me 1-1/2 hrs and kept going till it was all done. I wonder if its the work that is draining or is it staying to the finish. Finishing is hard on me emotionally. This is part of my own challeges that I have.

Its strange but I don't have a very large life these days and nearly everyday I acquire insights of some sort that I really hadn't understood before, guess you need a time of small living to get the big picture.

So, spring is coming and it won't be long till I need to pull out the lawn mower, ahh the sounds of spring.

Quote For Today

At the center of your being you know the answer.

You know who you are and

What you want.

In the deepest part of my consciousness I know this one, and think I've always known it.

Now, all I have to do is find a way to dig it out of the place where I hide the things that seem like they are too hard for me to deal with. Do I know who I am? Do I know what I want? I have been asking God for the answer to those exact questions for a couple of years now, now that I finally figured out what the questions are.

I am beginning to understand that it takes more than just knowing the right questions, it takes some work on my part. When I first started my Listening Project for an hour each day, I knew that I was going to be quiet and not have to do any of the interjuecting or making responses. That way I could hear what others were saying and give them the courtesy of finishing a thot. It was a lot of work and not looking worried at the same time was another bit of work that I hadn't anticipated. This new revelation will take more, like the next step in the path of my learning process.

This will involve times of quiet, without external resources, TV, radio, computer, books, or anything that distracts from my time of focus. I'm not really sure I'm ready to do this much work at the present time. As I write it out it becomes more real and huge. To spend time everyday with no companionship, distractions that I can go to to stop the thots from coming in and causing me to change my ways/attitudes. I can imagine that I will start very small when I choose to make my first attempt at it. One minute at a time, one minute at a time.

For now, I am still dealing with the Stubbornness that keeps me from progressing beyond the place that keeps me away from all the great things that everyone says life holds for me if only I get involved. I don't see it tho, I don't have any desire to do that one special thing if only I had the energy, if only I could make the time, if only I weren't so broke. None of those sorts of reasons are holding me back. I just can't seem to find anything that I'm that interested in. That makes it very sad. A whole world of things to do, try out, get involved with, and I can honestly say I'm not that interested and I don't even know why. All I know is that right now, I am going to end this and go get some crackers cuz I'm feeling snacky.

This is the first weekend and I have done very little with my time. Getting on the computer wasn't a big deal, and that could just be because I am tired from the first week of trying to think so much each day.

It might sound funny but I find that choosing tasks and working at them in an orderly, organized manner, one after the other, a very challenging thing to do. When I spend most of my time with the TV on and the computer on as toys of distraction it gives me time outs and my brain gets to go into zone-out mode, not having to do any work at all. Even this writing is only the thots that go thru my head, if it really doesn't make any sense, who does it bother? No one. That makes it very easy for me to just do the writing with no stress, no criticism, no judging. If anyone did read it, they would just pass over it and go onto something else.

We changed the clocks ahead today and I forgot till about 5 PM so I've been a little behind all day and didn't even notice, that seems wierd.

Tomorrow starts a new week with another opportunity for a week of discipline and work and play times.

Lent - day three . . .

How's your Lenten project going? Surprisingly, I am still working on mine. Already I have discovered things about myself. Like, I am not used to self-directing my own activities. When the screens (TV & computer) are on, I just stop by and take a break, can even do both at the same time. Now that I have the whole morning to myself and can choose what to do, in which order, and how much I am willing to get done before turning the screens on at 1 PM, I get tired, seriously I get really tired early in the day and take breaks to read or just rest. Its embarrassing. I've been so tired the past three days that I do little, go to bed early, and get up late. Can't answer any emails as I just dont' have the energy to create structured paragraphs for anyone to read. Can't play hearts for very long, which is a good thing, could be time to put that away for a while. No solitaire, either.

This morning I decided that I needed to go for groceries, tomorrow is Ch'ng Li's birthday and I want a treat for her breakfast; also there are some good prices on things I need to get in. The clerks checking me out at the two stores I went to were really pleasant and seemed to want to chat. I'd had a shower, put on a touch of make up, a pretty T-neck, pulled my hair back from my face and earrings, and real shoes. Even tho I wasn't trying to create this look, did it have anything to do with it?

I bought some chicken and salmon that needed to be cooked so I could freeze them. Time to turn on the TV and eat something while I let the food roast. It was time to rest but not as bad as it had been the last couple of days. Now that I am trying to write this I feel sluggish and unable to concentrate. Tonight I'm thinking of a lamb burger for dinner, lets see if I have the energy to actually do more than a cheese sandwich. Its Friday so I still like to just kick back and hang out in front of the set with a fun-food.

Living in the Present

At least trying hard . . . It isn't as much work for me to be in the present as it is to be busy in the here and now. I seem to get into a silly little activity, like reading, journaling, and time goes by. Don't get me started on the heaarts game on FB, I can't even believe how time consuming that can be. I'm so upset to find that there is something that has finally caused me to use the "A" word to describe my overuse of it. That's ADDICTED for those who aren't sure. I think that when I escaped smoking, drinking, gambling and the usual awray of drugs, I knew that there was something out there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to get me. I also knew that with the amount of sitting around doing little to nothing on a regular basis that I would fall down that rabbit hole and not realize it.

Well, Lent is coming and I am needing to make changes. As I go thru my day being more conscious of my activities, what I do daily, my next step was to begin analyzing what part of my attitude range is causing me to stay in the rut and not even attempt to shift an inch. I mean, there are things that I hate doing, you have things you hate doing, we all do. So fine, great, let's leave them as long as possible . . . toilet bowl cleaning anyone? But, there are also things that I enjoy doing, loads of laundry, dusting with a great lemonny smelling polish, vacuuming. These are all things that I don't mind and have never had a problem getting done before, brushing Ch'ng and keeping her looking lovely.

So, back to Lent is coming and I am needing to make some changes. After analyzing my attitudes and reread my journal entries, where I complain about myself endlessly. Found out that the word I use to describe me most often is stubborn. Stubborn. STUBBORN. Yes, sad but true, I can think of things to do, make a list, commit to a friend, and its like dooming the process. Then I go and become attached to a stupid FB game . . . and that's what I can spend hours on??? I don't think so. So, after some real soul searching the word Stubborn came into an email I was writing and I thot,'Yes, that's it'. That's the thing that I am allowing to control me, stubbornly sitting in my mess choosing to behave in this 4-yr old fashion that stops me from doing anything productive.

My 9-yr old inner child said to me that I wouldn't let her do that, if she starts something I make her finish cuz its good for her soul. So why doesn't that count for me? I didn't have an answer, so I have to make changes. I'm going to go back to my Anglican roots, observe Lent this year the way I always used to, this year I'm not giving something up, I'm putting things in. First, I must explain that no TV or computer till 1 PM is the discipline to work towards. By having no screens on for all those hours I will have all that time to use in more constructive ways. If I really want to do nothing, sit and wait till 1 o'clock then so be it, I'll still have all that time to sit and think quietly, rest, play with the dog, be mad. Whatever as long as on Easter Day I have lived with no screens till the designated hour. I do have to use the computer for business reasons, so I need it regularly, just not in the mornings. Also, I am going to pray about letting go of the stubbornness and allowing more of what I like and want into my life. Being more productive, actually doing something with part of my days. This will be a much more gentle, appropriate, effective way to get myself turned around, its time to do something with the time I am given on earth.

Don't know if I'm going to post here everyday, as I find that turning the computer off at about 7 PM each evening gives me better rest at night. I'm going to document my daily activities and progress in my journal; I was looking for something to do for a year in this way but I'm not sure that I am capable of that right now, but whatever I can do to get moving is progress. So, 40 days. I'm starting to get things ready for March 9th, no itst not cheating, I'm hoping it will make getting into a routine of doing things everyday and being more productive easier. It doesn't all have to be like wearing a hair shirt.