Living in the Present

At least trying hard . . . It isn't as much work for me to be in the present as it is to be busy in the here and now. I seem to get into a silly little activity, like reading, journaling, and time goes by. Don't get me started on the heaarts game on FB, I can't even believe how time consuming that can be. I'm so upset to find that there is something that has finally caused me to use the "A" word to describe my overuse of it. That's ADDICTED for those who aren't sure. I think that when I escaped smoking, drinking, gambling and the usual awray of drugs, I knew that there was something out there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to get me. I also knew that with the amount of sitting around doing little to nothing on a regular basis that I would fall down that rabbit hole and not realize it.

Well, Lent is coming and I am needing to make changes. As I go thru my day being more conscious of my activities, what I do daily, my next step was to begin analyzing what part of my attitude range is causing me to stay in the rut and not even attempt to shift an inch. I mean, there are things that I hate doing, you have things you hate doing, we all do. So fine, great, let's leave them as long as possible . . . toilet bowl cleaning anyone? But, there are also things that I enjoy doing, loads of laundry, dusting with a great lemonny smelling polish, vacuuming. These are all things that I don't mind and have never had a problem getting done before, brushing Ch'ng and keeping her looking lovely.

So, back to Lent is coming and I am needing to make some changes. After analyzing my attitudes and reread my journal entries, where I complain about myself endlessly. Found out that the word I use to describe me most often is stubborn. Stubborn. STUBBORN. Yes, sad but true, I can think of things to do, make a list, commit to a friend, and its like dooming the process. Then I go and become attached to a stupid FB game . . . and that's what I can spend hours on??? I don't think so. So, after some real soul searching the word Stubborn came into an email I was writing and I thot,'Yes, that's it'. That's the thing that I am allowing to control me, stubbornly sitting in my mess choosing to behave in this 4-yr old fashion that stops me from doing anything productive.

My 9-yr old inner child said to me that I wouldn't let her do that, if she starts something I make her finish cuz its good for her soul. So why doesn't that count for me? I didn't have an answer, so I have to make changes. I'm going to go back to my Anglican roots, observe Lent this year the way I always used to, this year I'm not giving something up, I'm putting things in. First, I must explain that no TV or computer till 1 PM is the discipline to work towards. By having no screens on for all those hours I will have all that time to use in more constructive ways. If I really want to do nothing, sit and wait till 1 o'clock then so be it, I'll still have all that time to sit and think quietly, rest, play with the dog, be mad. Whatever as long as on Easter Day I have lived with no screens till the designated hour. I do have to use the computer for business reasons, so I need it regularly, just not in the mornings. Also, I am going to pray about letting go of the stubbornness and allowing more of what I like and want into my life. Being more productive, actually doing something with part of my days. This will be a much more gentle, appropriate, effective way to get myself turned around, its time to do something with the time I am given on earth.

Don't know if I'm going to post here everyday, as I find that turning the computer off at about 7 PM each evening gives me better rest at night. I'm going to document my daily activities and progress in my journal; I was looking for something to do for a year in this way but I'm not sure that I am capable of that right now, but whatever I can do to get moving is progress. So, 40 days. I'm starting to get things ready for March 9th, no itst not cheating, I'm hoping it will make getting into a routine of doing things everyday and being more productive easier. It doesn't all have to be like wearing a hair shirt.