. . . and my life was never the same again

I was listening to the radio today and in the middle of the interview, this man made the statement that what had just happened in his life was a turning point and his life was never the same again. I had this immediate thot of how many people walk around every single day, doing the things that we all do and one in who knows how many have their lives go into crisis. There are no new things that human beings can do to either sin or commit crimes, there are new ways to go about them. Now I have this idea for stories of people who have gone thru life-changing events, good or bad, and the outcome. Men, women and children have had them; no one being exempt means that the variety of stories and choosing how to deal with them will be very different also.

I am going to think hard on this idea and if anyone does start talking and I have the presence of mind to listen and write, it could be the beginning of some good work to research and turn into a project of true life misery.

I am soooooo tired today . . . .

It must be that the week is over and all the stuff that needs taking care of is on hold till at least Monday morning when it starts all over again. Every Friday I think I'm going to go out on Saturday and do some errands and then do an Artist Date that I could record and be a part of my memory, add to who I am as an creative person. One who dreams, writes, journals, plays sweet harp music and enjoys walks along the gorge.

I am thinking that I have to change some of the ways I do things. When I put my things together for AMPages, I need to include my journal, C's journal, List of Possibilities. How about my mantra that I need to keep in mind? That almost sounds like a bookbag full of stuff. Planning to do things in a routine, not just all over the place and using TV as recess time, and this exhaustion is amazing. I could just sleep all the time. I pray for rain much more than someone who lives in a rain forest should; going out to garden is supposed to be enjoyable, not punishment. I don't know if I am going to be able to do any of the things that I think I will, the way I want to, but my thinking is changing and if not now, then maybe in the future.

A day in the life . . . .

Its time for me to get serious about this life and this blog. I have had a question posed to me about . . . . well, would I take him back if I had the chance to do it today? I've been having so much flashing back to me and I think, how could I have put up with that? Why did I stay? how in the world did I not see what was going on? I get so sad that I just hate myself completely and have no clear thinking of how to go on from where I am, what I'm doing now. Live in Now, Be Present.

There were so many times that I got the feelings, senses, urgings to just go, leave, get out of there. The lies that were so obvious you could drive a truck thru them. The times that I'd come in and be alone there for so many hours, the money that never showed up. The dark times that the world was closing in around me and I needed to flee. Darekness and heaviness that followed me for a very long week and I thot I was going to die, then it lifted and he had had an accident, wrecked a pick up, and ended up in hospital. There was a woman there too, but he lied and lied and lied. Took the fall for some woman, but that's alright. Caught him in bed with an indian in an Edmonton hotel room one night, at the same time I had to confront him about being charged with molesting 13-yr old Melissa, his step-daughter. He didn't appear surprised or scared, rather he was angry with me for coming up and interupting his party. In my madness I thot oh well, no one is going to be looking for us at 4 in the morning.

Right now I feel so remote, so removed from life and the world. I'm living in this new century with wierd numbers and on an island with no easy access to the mainland, no sense of life going on. I've never been able to get the real feeling of life going on.

there is a lot of truth in the above information and I don't know how to deal with it in a way that will let me move on in the life I was supposed to be living all along. Life is very miserable.

Stress Trumps Success

I know, I'm supposed to do this every night, well life doesn't seem to go in a linear pattern for me these days. There's a lot of lumps in them thar lines. I get up everyday wanting to get better at my routines, create more, new ones. Discipline was going to become . . . not regimented, as much as organized and able to do more automatically while using less energy.

Now that I am able to see that being rested gives me the mental strength I need to think well and behave properly, the flashes into my past are all of times that I was in a state of unrest that went on for days or even weeks with no let up in which I was out of control, thinking I could catch up later. At some point it seems that we are all 'breaking down' and then the self-care begins. Too bad it all comes at cost to our health and life that we have worked so hard to cultivate, sculpt, create.

Last night I was unable to sleep till 4 AM and then caught a couple of hours before I had to get up and tend to the animals. Today I am fortunate to be able to laze around and choose my tasks without the pressure of anyone making demands upon my time. It might sound like a luxury but I see where we don't make our lives fit our personal needs, instead we try to live the life we have romanticized that we want life to be. If we were to know ourselves well enough to know what we are capable of, and work to that mandate we would not have the amount of health issues. I know that we can't know if we want kids before they get here, but we can find ways to care for other people's on volunteer occasions; lots of age groups.

If you know what you like doing and do. If you focus on what you like and not change course, you'll love your life. You want to be a doctor and no one thinks you can make it, or there is no money for the education, figure out what you can do for yourself. Keep your school work as a priority, study hard-er, investigate the reality of what a doctor's life looks like, not what you dream it can be. Some things are negotiable, others are not. If you want to grow up and get married and have children, look at how much you like doing the chores you are sent to do now. Do you do a good job? Do you look for the little extras that make it better? Do you do them without being told? If not, you may just be looking at housewife as an easy way out and you won't last long at it. If you don't like the whole job, figure out what you are good at, what you like doing and discover what aspect of that you want to pursue . . . and go after it full throttle.

By knowing the life you want, and be willing to let go of some of the things that don't work for you; don't try to be everything to everyone and lose yourself in the process, you won't break down or hate the life you have gotten into. It eats at you and you never feel like a success.

It's raining, it's pouring . . .

. . . and I'm crying and boring.

This has been a hard time for me. The weekend was quiet, raining, very little to do . . . and the dreaded nothing much on TV. No one is online, to be expected. Saturday I went out to a market with a good sale on and got the things I like to have in.

Was very disappointed to find that after a year of no income other than UIC payments that I am going to have to pay Income Tax! I was livid. I called to find out what was up with that and they said that anything over $2.00 must be paid, either way.

Mood: crappy, not loving and giving, as I've been working on.

Got to a point during the weekend where I felt very lonely and unloved. Don't know why, just came up inside me and I was all weepy and angry. You know, one of those times when you need God to come down and tell you what the **---** you are doing here and He's busy with real work to do and it makes everything worse. I know you have all been there. I hear that everyone has the same complaint all the time.

I stayed on the computer too late, watched TV even later. This is a very bad sign that I could almost go off my schedule of discipline. But, back on 1 PM start time, did my chores this morning. Vacuumed, cleaned counters, showered & dressed. I'm disappointed that i don't have any real schedule going, one day my inner child did a check in with me that went something like this: If you don't do anything this weekend then niether will I, and you are going to be in big trouble when I don't have homework done on Monday. Okay, okay, I get it. I have to do something to get anything done. I hate this kid . . . when she's right. I have to get out of here quickly, she wants to journal and needs my help. I'm still reading.

Went to the library on Sat and got a couple of books, one mystery, one historical fiction, how gooder is that? Alright, now I'm on my way, but its so comfy here.

I Think We Could Get Spring

Not sure, nothing day, dunno.

That about sums up the whole day. I got up feeling 'out of sorts'. Then got coffee going and started feeling worse, turned into a complete headache and miserable, as I was doing my AM journaling I could feel the anger rising and lost concentration, leading to not getting the writing done. I got fresh coffee and Ch'ng got up and let herself out for a piddle. We resumed our positions. The headache got worse, think I have a tumor? I took something, at 8:30 in the morning I'm taking something for pain . . . Hello!!!

I knew I wasn't going to get much done for a while, if I was able to think of a task I wasn't able to stand up and do it anyhow. So there it was, the morning. Started reading one of the books off my kids shelf and got into it, but suddenly it felt like I was going to actually make headway with it and got distracted. Sometimes it isn't about losing concentration causing me to quit what I'm doing, its that I can see me making progress and give myself signals to stop now. I think this could be some of the old behavior that I have always used to put things off, procrastinate. Hmmm, that is very interesting.

I've been putting off redoing my nails for three days now, probly that thinking above has caused me to put off writing here. My sweater is 3/4 done and still sitting, waiting for me to get back to finish it. Y'day I cleaned out the fridge, pulled everything out, collected shelving and put it into the bathtub, washed it all and reassembled it. Big job, took me 1-1/2 hrs and kept going till it was all done. I wonder if its the work that is draining or is it staying to the finish. Finishing is hard on me emotionally. This is part of my own challeges that I have.

Its strange but I don't have a very large life these days and nearly everyday I acquire insights of some sort that I really hadn't understood before, guess you need a time of small living to get the big picture.

So, spring is coming and it won't be long till I need to pull out the lawn mower, ahh the sounds of spring.

Quote For Today

At the center of your being you know the answer.

You know who you are and

What you want.

In the deepest part of my consciousness I know this one, and think I've always known it.

Now, all I have to do is find a way to dig it out of the place where I hide the things that seem like they are too hard for me to deal with. Do I know who I am? Do I know what I want? I have been asking God for the answer to those exact questions for a couple of years now, now that I finally figured out what the questions are.

I am beginning to understand that it takes more than just knowing the right questions, it takes some work on my part. When I first started my Listening Project for an hour each day, I knew that I was going to be quiet and not have to do any of the interjuecting or making responses. That way I could hear what others were saying and give them the courtesy of finishing a thot. It was a lot of work and not looking worried at the same time was another bit of work that I hadn't anticipated. This new revelation will take more, like the next step in the path of my learning process.

This will involve times of quiet, without external resources, TV, radio, computer, books, or anything that distracts from my time of focus. I'm not really sure I'm ready to do this much work at the present time. As I write it out it becomes more real and huge. To spend time everyday with no companionship, distractions that I can go to to stop the thots from coming in and causing me to change my ways/attitudes. I can imagine that I will start very small when I choose to make my first attempt at it. One minute at a time, one minute at a time.

For now, I am still dealing with the Stubbornness that keeps me from progressing beyond the place that keeps me away from all the great things that everyone says life holds for me if only I get involved. I don't see it tho, I don't have any desire to do that one special thing if only I had the energy, if only I could make the time, if only I weren't so broke. None of those sorts of reasons are holding me back. I just can't seem to find anything that I'm that interested in. That makes it very sad. A whole world of things to do, try out, get involved with, and I can honestly say I'm not that interested and I don't even know why. All I know is that right now, I am going to end this and go get some crackers cuz I'm feeling snacky.