Do What You Do

I am here with no agenda today. Its the end of February and for many years I have found it to be about the hardest month to go thru. No matter how hard I try to make things exactly the same as the rest of the year, there are always lumps in this month.

If I am going to have a car accident, it will be in February

If I'm going to have money problems, it will be in February

If there are weather issues, it will definitely be in February

Its all very depressing to think that I can get into a very low state over external conditions, but I take it all very personally. Like the weather going on outside is directed at me, not that a freak snow storm has come thru the entire area, on both sides of the border, really causing some people that have to be out trying to navigate around in it . . . o ya, those woul be the ones with a life that have reasons to get out of bed in the morning . . . going to work, getting kids to places, running out for suppiles. No matter if its for themselves or other people, they are out doing things, living lives and being productive.

I think I have had a lot of trouble trying to blog because I am trying to put a positive spin on me, my life. Its like I'm hiding the truth of my life from me, not anyone who would read it. It comes out in my writing, the lack of energy in my entries, no enthusiasim. How do I think that I can fool you? That's probly why, when I say No to people, they don't hear it, never mind believe it. There is no authenticity to my tone. I don't know who I am and I don't care enough to find out so I ignore myself and it gives others licence to do the same.

1. An honest ego in a healthy body

2. An eye to see nature

3. A heart to feel nature

4. Courage to follow nature

5. The sense of proportion (humor)

6. Appreciation of work as idea and idea as work

7. Fertility of imagination

8. Capacity for faith and rebellion

9. Disregard for commonplace (inorganic) elegance

10. Instinctive co-operation

Can aging and alone time help to make for a happier person? If so, God has given me a wonderful gift. Am I appreciating it to the fullest? Probly not, I never do till I look back and recognize how I wasted my time and energy. Right now I have the time to create a life that I want to live. I know that, but I give myself many many reasons (read: excuses) to ignore this.

Little tiny things like doing little things and create a routine, this is the beginning of being happy; usually they only take a minute or five and you know that its going to be taken care of each and every day. Happiness. Why doesn't that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Cuz those are the things you do for yourself and I have no desire to do anything for myself.

That is the thing that presents the question: WHY????

When I figure that out I'll be able to turn the corner on creating a new life.

Do What You Do.

So, many many many days later . . .

I have been just "livin' my life" and have been forgetting to record it here. I think, what have I been doing? I mean I get up in the mornings and start with some sort of activities that involve interaction with the girls (read: animals) and have little interaction with people during each day. I'm not sure why, guess I don't go out much, don't do much, don't have much money. Any one of those without being in combination are going to restrict my life, undeniably. But, when you put all of them together daily, it guarantees that whatever goes on within the walls has to be fairly interesting to keep me occupied or I will be a step away from the edge of the roof.

I've discovered this hearts game on FB and got sort of obsessed by it for a few days, I'd play and play and look up to see that it was hours later and I have done nothing in all this time. I did complete several puzzles, found a few people who would swap heats with me, I chatted with a couple. One is a guy and I keep thinking that he is trying to cyber-hit-on-me and it really bothers me that I am expected to excite some man in this way. He thinks I'm funny and likes it when I make my quippy comments, and I guess that's all he wants, so I'll play for a while. I like doing the puzzles.

Recently, I've been eating all the wrong things and feeling awful. Asthma is of course, one of the main issues, but I also feel all out of sorts, mood swings, lethargy, anger. It gets pretty ugly at times. So, Monday I began eating lots of fruit and vegetables and like I do best on and, of course, had a chunk of chocolate for valentines. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea at the time, I suppose. I promise to be good from now on.

Tried cooking on the weekend, and whatever I said about it at the time, I have to erase all that and admit that it tasted like Crap. I still have it sitting in the pan and have to throw it all out, but its a terrible waste of ingredients and money and time. From now on I'm sticking to the produce and quick things that I do well on. Who do I think I am? A Food Guru?

Its been a hard week here, every time I start getting going I have a set back. No one's fault, nothing much happening, but it takes a toll on my energy and mental capacity so I go back to the couch and take time off. The confusion that comes on is quite dramatic and I can go that way myself if I'm not careful. So, the best thing for me to do is recover my mental strength. Ch'ng can tell the difference, she has been acting like a jerk lately. Decides that she wants to go for a walk on her on, expecting that I'll just follow along. So, its jewelry time for her for a bit of time till she gets straightened round again. I hate doing that but she has to know that I am in charge cuz I know what's best for her better than she does. Its tiring raising a perpetual 2-year old who thinks she's an empress.

I have to start winding this up now, I'm also finding that the computer is taking a toll on my mental energy, too. So, I have to shut down, and its already at least an hour past the time. I'm not going to look till I sign off and shut down, coward that I am.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race . . . so they say

The last couple of days have been quiet, confused, frustrating. You know how that can be, when you walk across the room and forget why you are there, over and over and over and eventually you get very frustrated with this complete mindless activity. It gets quiet real quick when things get confused and you just hang out on the couch to make life smaller. After spending Monday trying to get onto my new schedule to create routines and get things done, it was a mistake, a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE MISTAKE. That I was doing too much at once and getting overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe it. Then I had a burger on a bun (1st mistake) with cheddar cheese (2nd mistake) then I had ice cream (another mistake). See, there were mistakes coming and going and running into each other and after getting so tired from doing too much, I was a mess. Tuesday I did less and it went badly, started getting angry. Then I really knew it was time to quit and go rest . . . Right Now. Yesterday afternoon I came up with an idea on how to create a plan. I was pretty tired and couldn't hold two thots together so waited till I'd finally had a good nite's sleep. And Voila!! This morning I got up and was able to write it down in my morning journaling. I'm going to start small, work slowly, treat myself gently. WoW what a concept. Small is going to the Job Jar and pulling only one task for the day. Is it tiny? Only need 15-min to complete, set the timer and go do it. Is it larger? Needs to break down into 2-3 segments ( I like that word, segments) and set the timer and go work for 15-min, take a break for 15-min, need more? Set the timer for 10-min more. Need more time? Set the timer for a final 5-min; then set the timer for 15-min and go do more work. Rinse and repeat till the task is complete. Preferrably by noon, cuz I can't have lunch or turn on the set till its done, and we know how I hate to be told I can't have TV on don't we. There is also a list of fun activities for the break time that I can relax with. Then I have all afternoon to do more fun things, like this writing, to occupy myself with. This was the first day and I actually like it, feels small and long, but I am not overwhelmed and bitchy, angry, yelling. In fact, I'm almost looking forward to tomorrow when I can do it again. Oh ya, I forgot one part. This is going to be a 7-day a week program. I read somewhere that people who have some conditions, like MS, have to be on a regular routine that doesn't change, even one day of change, like staying up too late on a Saturday nite, or sleeping in too long on Sunday can cause problems. So, I thot I'd try it out and see if I could get things going along slowly and steadily.

Now, I'm off to my next fun activity, working on the sweater I'm knitting.

Eating Ice Cream Out of the Tub

So, my day thus far, meaning that I'm not in bed and sleeping yet. Its been interesting, had a huge windstorm gusts up to 55 mph and then rain torrents followed. For me this made it an indoors sort of day. But I got up and made my little list, pulled from my job jar and then started picking at things to do. Funny, when I took three separate slips from the jar: 1) sweep a floor 2) wash a floor 3) clean bathroom It just sort of screamed at me to do all these things IN THE BATHROOM! So, that's what I did. My mandate was to give the bathroom the lemon-fresh scent that I used to be able to get. Guess you have to do it more than once every couple of years, huh. Anyhow, after I moved the dirty laundry out I had enough for a load . . . at least, so I did a load of wash. This all sounds great doesn't it. What I'm not telling you is that I did not get anything folded and put away. That will have to wait till tomorrow. I did some writing in the afternoon. Still spent too much time on the internet, but grabbed my trusty timer and broke away from it for 15 minute stints to do cleaning. Do you know how long 15-min of cleaning time is? I tell you, its exhausting, I just kept going and going and going and nearly got the whole room done all at once. That's scary, I tell ya. It felt like I was working real hard and needed coffee, pant, pant, pant. I'm tired tonight, between doing work and arguing with my inner-child about what we could be doing, and what we should do next. I don't think we need a tub of ice cream to celebrate every aspect of the day, and I did the work, all she did was tag along and complain all day. There's still more to do, dishes, grind coffee, eat ice cream, folding . . . WHAT????? Folding fool, all of which have to go on tomorrow's list and do along with the three new tasks. Now, I'm off to do some knitting and have an orange before bed. Oh, do you know how good ice cream from the tub is? Its loverly, I tell ya.

Sunday is a Lot of Work

Getting up in the dark as I do everyday, trying to get the coffee started before Molly started wanting outside. Its raining hard, and she won't stay out. Finally I dropped the spoon and open the door, now I can finish measuring out coffee. Darn that cat, just one day I'd like to get the coffee put together before she starts, its always a fight she wins. Heat, light, paper for morning writing, getting three pages done as quick as possible. Coffee's ready, Molly wants in, Ch'ng isn't moving, no desire to go out. You'd think it was too much trouble to go have a piddle while the door is open anyhow, but no, she will hold out till I get my duds on and take her for a proper walk. She's smart, I'll give her that, only goes out for treats. So, wait suckah!! After the writing was done I got thinking about my day, as they are announcing that its going to be rainy and wind gusting up to 45-55 mph in this area, out isn't the place I'm spending any time. And its Super Bowl day so nothing's on TV. There's about fifty things going thru my head to fill the hours. Hate you, stupid banner thinking. Reading: Dreamers of the Day New Book: LM Alcott's Whispers in the Dark Knitting: sweater in teal Story to work on, got a couple or three or eleven Inner-kid Diary: an update on what she thinks I need to accomplish. Oooooooooh yes, I do really want to hear about that. She's very busy and has her own set of books to read, I'm running out of time here . . . and you can knit while you watch TV, don't you know???? Abacus: practice in front of the TV Organizing: keep working on the spare room to get all the papers stored/recycled/tossed. Bathroom: CLEAN IT!!!!!!! No? Eat something: What??? Even after going for groceries I don't have anything in to eat. I never have anything to eat 'cept chips, but that doesn't appeal for breakfast. How bout ice cream then, its dairy. NO. Harp: practice now that my finger is healed from being chopped with the vegetables. This is a list that needs to go into a book or something. How do you choose when you get that many things come into your head all at the same time? That's one thing I have never figured out. How can you get that many thots in your head at the same time and not get hurt? nother thing I've never figured out. Guess this is how, when you have a perfectly good name, you get a nickname. A perfectly ordinary-looking person who, once you get closer, is just running around with one foot nailed to the floor. That's when you get named TIZZIE. Gotto go wish all my football pals Happy Super Bowl Day!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bank and Ice Cream

It must be that the weekend makes life work better. I made coffee first and got the cat outside, for the first time of the day, and sat down to do my daily morning pages. So far everything was going well. Time to let Molly (cat ) in again . . . get coffee refill . . . Back on the couch, still writing so I can finish my daily assignment. All the time I was thinking about the bank, did the money come in? Or am I relegated to the house for the weekend. Funny how I felt punished and like I wanted to go out, for the first time in years, when it looks like I might not be able to do anything. I was listening to the radio, there was a book group talking about Carol Shields the author, kept me distracted till I got up the nerve to check the bank. O gawd, what if its not there!! YaY!! its in, whew, now I can go . . . where???? I don't know, where? What is the plan now that I have money? Dunno. Hold on . . cat needs out . . o hell, I'll get coffee Well time for that later, first things first, and that means get the dog out cu she's dancin'. Had a chat with a neighbor, she has the cutest little Peakinese. Back inside, coffee time :) Phone rings, not a telemarketer -hate you, telemarketer. A real call, long distance, and a couple of hours later, I'm hanging up and thinking what I'm going to do now that I can go out. Ice Cream. Ice cream is a very good reason to g out and be in stores. I was going to go over to the Dairy Queen, after all I got my money and I saved myself $5.05 on cauliflower y'day, but I won't do that, I'm sort of boycotting that store and all specialty stores that they have put the HST Tax on everything and made it A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! I hate that our government just throws tax on us any way they feel like it. Don't you know that we don't all have six-figure salaries???????? So, ice cream ended up being a $20 bag of stuff. All the stuff that I didn't get y'day when I thot I was going to be broke for the weekend, and now I'm not broke so I have ice cream. And hotdogs, a favorite junk food is hotdogs with mustard on a great bun (hard to find so have to get whaterver they have on hand) burnt to a crisp. This seems to be a day of me doing a whole lot of self-care and I don't do bubble baths and candles and smelly stuff. Ooooooh, I may never walk again, but I DO leave the pots till tomorrow when pamper day is over. Gave Ch'ngy a brushing, you know that made her happy, she just sits real still and glares till I'm done, its like punishiment with treats afterwards. Then she's happy. I did knitting on my sweater, the new project I'm working on to get completed and sense accomplishment over. Its a teal shrug-type sweater, and as long as I don't get too fat for it on hotdogs and ice cream its gonna be great for spring. Getting a brainstorm for a story I'm working on, gotta go.

The Mess I Call My Life: Where Is That Remote?

The Mess I Call My Life: Where Is That Remote?

Where Is That Remote?

My life feels like pretty much of a mess right now. I live with my dog Ch'ng Li, my cat Molly, books, computer, writing, harp, TV and most of the time . . . the remote. I hate housework and cooking, so therefore I live pretty casually for the most part. I'm an English and History major with a smattering of Psychology. I'm also at the difficult end of the hiring scale, being on the dark side of fifty and haven't done enough in any one career to actually say I have one. Except fora lot of experience in library/filing/research work, which I love, but there is no need for it with computers. The last place I worked I had a facilitating postion and ran around after everyone, that ended when the company was bought out and I got laid off. That is very important, it means that I was not fired or let go for any reason other than there was no more job, not due to my inefficiency. But, that was a year ago and I am now going to learn to live on my own income that has been put aside for me to use. I used to be married, legally I still am, but he had other plans for his life and I spent a lot of years going thru the worst time of my life. The shock sent me into a tailspin, complete with PTSD, lapses in memory, and absolutely no concentration. I had been in the midst of taking my high school diploma so I could begin taking university courses for and English degree when KaBOOM!!!!! My life blew up. I felt like I was a walking earthquake, out of control, weak, walking into walls, crying, numb for years, life was just plain surreal, I couldn't tell reality from imagination. Years and years and years pass . . . . Sitting here tonight mulling over the day, I want to turn down the sound on my best friend, TV, and there it is, gone again. Where is that damned remote? The one question I ask more often in a day than anything else. I'll look for it later, right now I'm mulling. When I woke up this morning, I remembered (something! anything!) that I had transferred money from another account to be here by today, for the weekend. Now that I am not working, can't find work, unemployment has run out, I'm living on savings (Read: Independently Wealthy) but only if the funds come in. So, I got coffee, high finance always requires coffee, and turned on the computer to check the bank account. Well, guess what? It wasn't there, big surprise. Called the transferring bank and they said it left, I tried to hold it together and not fall apart with my money lost in cyber space. I rang off and called the second bank. They said that it would take 1-2 business days to clear, that means Monday at the earliest. Someone really does think I'm independently wealthy and doesn't care that I am trying very hard to hold the threads of my life together. Suddenly, I can think of about a thousand things I need and can't wait even a minute longer. I am all out of food for the animals and can't wait till the bank decides to release my money. So, after saying good bye to Ch'ng and asking forgiveness for not leaving her home for an hour instead of leaving her to sit in a car alone while I do this errand, off I went to the grocery store I only needed a few things so who needs a list. Getting into the store was good for Friday afternoon traffic. Headed to the pet food isle first and grabbed that. That's the point when the confusion sets in, buying a few things for me is much more complicated. I head to the produce isle and can't focus, my mind is on ice cream, dark chocolate, while over at the dried fruit bin I started fondling the lid of the dark chocolate, back to the apricots and prunes, hard choice here. Had to pass frozen pizzas and chips as I ambled over to the oranges and tomatoes. They had cauliflower for $1.68 each, good price, its mine. Got thru the check-out and back home in good time. For some reason I checked the till strip and saw cauliflower: 4@ $1.68 = $6.72 . . . What??? I didn't buy 4! I am not pay seven bucks for cauliflower!!! So I grabbed the cauli and the receipt and tossed them in a bag and off to the store I went. I practiced smiling on the way, if it was their mistake, me in a rotten mood wouldn't endear me to their heart and they might not be very helpful. But, as I walked in beaming and some old guy jockeyed in front of me with his lottery ticket, I'm waiting and smiling :) When I got to the counter, she said, "oh, she overcharged you, a lot." I got my $5.05 back and left, without ice cream, it wasn't on sale. So, here I am sitting on the couch, scared to check the bank and . . . where is that damn remote? Now that I have spent all my cash on the groceries I have to sit here all weekend, broke. Feeling poor. Boy, next time I have to transfer funds I am going to do it by phone and make them do all the work so it will get done right the first time. I'll never get this technology right, there's always a button that I miss and the transaction doesn't go thru. Right now I have this strange feeling of . . um, er, dunno, aside from the animals, feeding them, cleaning the litter box, walking little precious, I have no responsibility to anyone. The money I receive will cover my expenses till I can collect the government pension and continue to live as I am now, basically. Since the big KaBOOM I have had little interest in activities, pastimes, life. Having newly discovered the endless, empty days and a remote, I have done little with my time since Christmas when I completed my last course and passed well. It was meant to get me a job, but not in this economy where the competition is so intense. I have never had to go do the hard stuff to get work and having strolled thru the golden arches of fifty has made it increasingly difficult to the point that I have lost all interest in working also. This year, as usual, I have set some goals for the year. The difference between resolutions and goals is that resolutions are made to be broken and never see the light of day past Jan 31 any year. Goals, on the other hand, are made with the expectation of starting small and building to the end of the year, doing regular bits and by the end of the year it is completed. Of course, it doesn't always work, but unlike the 'joining a gym' type that are designed to not work, these are designed to be continued year after year until I finally take an interest. O yes, take an interest, that could be my mantra for the year, smile and take an interest. Well, thati's it for now, I am off to get into comfies and get ready for anything good on TV . . where is that damn remote? I have to go look, its driving me crazy.