. . . and my life was never the same again

I was listening to the radio today and in the middle of the interview, this man made the statement that what had just happened in his life was a turning point and his life was never the same again. I had this immediate thot of how many people walk around every single day, doing the things that we all do and one in who knows how many have their lives go into crisis. There are no new things that human beings can do to either sin or commit crimes, there are new ways to go about them. Now I have this idea for stories of people who have gone thru life-changing events, good or bad, and the outcome. Men, women and children have had them; no one being exempt means that the variety of stories and choosing how to deal with them will be very different also.

I am going to think hard on this idea and if anyone does start talking and I have the presence of mind to listen and write, it could be the beginning of some good work to research and turn into a project of true life misery.

I am soooooo tired today . . . .

It must be that the week is over and all the stuff that needs taking care of is on hold till at least Monday morning when it starts all over again. Every Friday I think I'm going to go out on Saturday and do some errands and then do an Artist Date that I could record and be a part of my memory, add to who I am as an creative person. One who dreams, writes, journals, plays sweet harp music and enjoys walks along the gorge.

I am thinking that I have to change some of the ways I do things. When I put my things together for AMPages, I need to include my journal, C's journal, List of Possibilities. How about my mantra that I need to keep in mind? That almost sounds like a bookbag full of stuff. Planning to do things in a routine, not just all over the place and using TV as recess time, and this exhaustion is amazing. I could just sleep all the time. I pray for rain much more than someone who lives in a rain forest should; going out to garden is supposed to be enjoyable, not punishment. I don't know if I am going to be able to do any of the things that I think I will, the way I want to, but my thinking is changing and if not now, then maybe in the future.

A day in the life . . . .

Its time for me to get serious about this life and this blog. I have had a question posed to me about . . . . well, would I take him back if I had the chance to do it today? I've been having so much flashing back to me and I think, how could I have put up with that? Why did I stay? how in the world did I not see what was going on? I get so sad that I just hate myself completely and have no clear thinking of how to go on from where I am, what I'm doing now. Live in Now, Be Present.

There were so many times that I got the feelings, senses, urgings to just go, leave, get out of there. The lies that were so obvious you could drive a truck thru them. The times that I'd come in and be alone there for so many hours, the money that never showed up. The dark times that the world was closing in around me and I needed to flee. Darekness and heaviness that followed me for a very long week and I thot I was going to die, then it lifted and he had had an accident, wrecked a pick up, and ended up in hospital. There was a woman there too, but he lied and lied and lied. Took the fall for some woman, but that's alright. Caught him in bed with an indian in an Edmonton hotel room one night, at the same time I had to confront him about being charged with molesting 13-yr old Melissa, his step-daughter. He didn't appear surprised or scared, rather he was angry with me for coming up and interupting his party. In my madness I thot oh well, no one is going to be looking for us at 4 in the morning.

Right now I feel so remote, so removed from life and the world. I'm living in this new century with wierd numbers and on an island with no easy access to the mainland, no sense of life going on. I've never been able to get the real feeling of life going on.

there is a lot of truth in the above information and I don't know how to deal with it in a way that will let me move on in the life I was supposed to be living all along. Life is very miserable.

Stress Trumps Success

I know, I'm supposed to do this every night, well life doesn't seem to go in a linear pattern for me these days. There's a lot of lumps in them thar lines. I get up everyday wanting to get better at my routines, create more, new ones. Discipline was going to become . . . not regimented, as much as organized and able to do more automatically while using less energy.

Now that I am able to see that being rested gives me the mental strength I need to think well and behave properly, the flashes into my past are all of times that I was in a state of unrest that went on for days or even weeks with no let up in which I was out of control, thinking I could catch up later. At some point it seems that we are all 'breaking down' and then the self-care begins. Too bad it all comes at cost to our health and life that we have worked so hard to cultivate, sculpt, create.

Last night I was unable to sleep till 4 AM and then caught a couple of hours before I had to get up and tend to the animals. Today I am fortunate to be able to laze around and choose my tasks without the pressure of anyone making demands upon my time. It might sound like a luxury but I see where we don't make our lives fit our personal needs, instead we try to live the life we have romanticized that we want life to be. If we were to know ourselves well enough to know what we are capable of, and work to that mandate we would not have the amount of health issues. I know that we can't know if we want kids before they get here, but we can find ways to care for other people's on volunteer occasions; lots of age groups.

If you know what you like doing and do. If you focus on what you like and not change course, you'll love your life. You want to be a doctor and no one thinks you can make it, or there is no money for the education, figure out what you can do for yourself. Keep your school work as a priority, study hard-er, investigate the reality of what a doctor's life looks like, not what you dream it can be. Some things are negotiable, others are not. If you want to grow up and get married and have children, look at how much you like doing the chores you are sent to do now. Do you do a good job? Do you look for the little extras that make it better? Do you do them without being told? If not, you may just be looking at housewife as an easy way out and you won't last long at it. If you don't like the whole job, figure out what you are good at, what you like doing and discover what aspect of that you want to pursue . . . and go after it full throttle.

By knowing the life you want, and be willing to let go of some of the things that don't work for you; don't try to be everything to everyone and lose yourself in the process, you won't break down or hate the life you have gotten into. It eats at you and you never feel like a success.

It's raining, it's pouring . . .

. . . and I'm crying and boring.

This has been a hard time for me. The weekend was quiet, raining, very little to do . . . and the dreaded nothing much on TV. No one is online, to be expected. Saturday I went out to a market with a good sale on and got the things I like to have in.

Was very disappointed to find that after a year of no income other than UIC payments that I am going to have to pay Income Tax! I was livid. I called to find out what was up with that and they said that anything over $2.00 must be paid, either way.

Mood: crappy, not loving and giving, as I've been working on.

Got to a point during the weekend where I felt very lonely and unloved. Don't know why, just came up inside me and I was all weepy and angry. You know, one of those times when you need God to come down and tell you what the **---** you are doing here and He's busy with real work to do and it makes everything worse. I know you have all been there. I hear that everyone has the same complaint all the time.

I stayed on the computer too late, watched TV even later. This is a very bad sign that I could almost go off my schedule of discipline. But, back on 1 PM start time, did my chores this morning. Vacuumed, cleaned counters, showered & dressed. I'm disappointed that i don't have any real schedule going, one day my inner child did a check in with me that went something like this: If you don't do anything this weekend then niether will I, and you are going to be in big trouble when I don't have homework done on Monday. Okay, okay, I get it. I have to do something to get anything done. I hate this kid . . . when she's right. I have to get out of here quickly, she wants to journal and needs my help. I'm still reading.

Went to the library on Sat and got a couple of books, one mystery, one historical fiction, how gooder is that? Alright, now I'm on my way, but its so comfy here.

I Think We Could Get Spring

Not sure, nothing day, dunno.

That about sums up the whole day. I got up feeling 'out of sorts'. Then got coffee going and started feeling worse, turned into a complete headache and miserable, as I was doing my AM journaling I could feel the anger rising and lost concentration, leading to not getting the writing done. I got fresh coffee and Ch'ng got up and let herself out for a piddle. We resumed our positions. The headache got worse, think I have a tumor? I took something, at 8:30 in the morning I'm taking something for pain . . . Hello!!!

I knew I wasn't going to get much done for a while, if I was able to think of a task I wasn't able to stand up and do it anyhow. So there it was, the morning. Started reading one of the books off my kids shelf and got into it, but suddenly it felt like I was going to actually make headway with it and got distracted. Sometimes it isn't about losing concentration causing me to quit what I'm doing, its that I can see me making progress and give myself signals to stop now. I think this could be some of the old behavior that I have always used to put things off, procrastinate. Hmmm, that is very interesting.

I've been putting off redoing my nails for three days now, probly that thinking above has caused me to put off writing here. My sweater is 3/4 done and still sitting, waiting for me to get back to finish it. Y'day I cleaned out the fridge, pulled everything out, collected shelving and put it into the bathtub, washed it all and reassembled it. Big job, took me 1-1/2 hrs and kept going till it was all done. I wonder if its the work that is draining or is it staying to the finish. Finishing is hard on me emotionally. This is part of my own challeges that I have.

Its strange but I don't have a very large life these days and nearly everyday I acquire insights of some sort that I really hadn't understood before, guess you need a time of small living to get the big picture.

So, spring is coming and it won't be long till I need to pull out the lawn mower, ahh the sounds of spring.

Quote For Today

At the center of your being you know the answer.

You know who you are and

What you want.

In the deepest part of my consciousness I know this one, and think I've always known it.

Now, all I have to do is find a way to dig it out of the place where I hide the things that seem like they are too hard for me to deal with. Do I know who I am? Do I know what I want? I have been asking God for the answer to those exact questions for a couple of years now, now that I finally figured out what the questions are.

I am beginning to understand that it takes more than just knowing the right questions, it takes some work on my part. When I first started my Listening Project for an hour each day, I knew that I was going to be quiet and not have to do any of the interjuecting or making responses. That way I could hear what others were saying and give them the courtesy of finishing a thot. It was a lot of work and not looking worried at the same time was another bit of work that I hadn't anticipated. This new revelation will take more, like the next step in the path of my learning process.

This will involve times of quiet, without external resources, TV, radio, computer, books, or anything that distracts from my time of focus. I'm not really sure I'm ready to do this much work at the present time. As I write it out it becomes more real and huge. To spend time everyday with no companionship, distractions that I can go to to stop the thots from coming in and causing me to change my ways/attitudes. I can imagine that I will start very small when I choose to make my first attempt at it. One minute at a time, one minute at a time.

For now, I am still dealing with the Stubbornness that keeps me from progressing beyond the place that keeps me away from all the great things that everyone says life holds for me if only I get involved. I don't see it tho, I don't have any desire to do that one special thing if only I had the energy, if only I could make the time, if only I weren't so broke. None of those sorts of reasons are holding me back. I just can't seem to find anything that I'm that interested in. That makes it very sad. A whole world of things to do, try out, get involved with, and I can honestly say I'm not that interested and I don't even know why. All I know is that right now, I am going to end this and go get some crackers cuz I'm feeling snacky.

This is the first weekend and I have done very little with my time. Getting on the computer wasn't a big deal, and that could just be because I am tired from the first week of trying to think so much each day.

It might sound funny but I find that choosing tasks and working at them in an orderly, organized manner, one after the other, a very challenging thing to do. When I spend most of my time with the TV on and the computer on as toys of distraction it gives me time outs and my brain gets to go into zone-out mode, not having to do any work at all. Even this writing is only the thots that go thru my head, if it really doesn't make any sense, who does it bother? No one. That makes it very easy for me to just do the writing with no stress, no criticism, no judging. If anyone did read it, they would just pass over it and go onto something else.

We changed the clocks ahead today and I forgot till about 5 PM so I've been a little behind all day and didn't even notice, that seems wierd.

Tomorrow starts a new week with another opportunity for a week of discipline and work and play times.

Lent - day three . . .

How's your Lenten project going? Surprisingly, I am still working on mine. Already I have discovered things about myself. Like, I am not used to self-directing my own activities. When the screens (TV & computer) are on, I just stop by and take a break, can even do both at the same time. Now that I have the whole morning to myself and can choose what to do, in which order, and how much I am willing to get done before turning the screens on at 1 PM, I get tired, seriously I get really tired early in the day and take breaks to read or just rest. Its embarrassing. I've been so tired the past three days that I do little, go to bed early, and get up late. Can't answer any emails as I just dont' have the energy to create structured paragraphs for anyone to read. Can't play hearts for very long, which is a good thing, could be time to put that away for a while. No solitaire, either.

This morning I decided that I needed to go for groceries, tomorrow is Ch'ng Li's birthday and I want a treat for her breakfast; also there are some good prices on things I need to get in. The clerks checking me out at the two stores I went to were really pleasant and seemed to want to chat. I'd had a shower, put on a touch of make up, a pretty T-neck, pulled my hair back from my face and earrings, and real shoes. Even tho I wasn't trying to create this look, did it have anything to do with it?

I bought some chicken and salmon that needed to be cooked so I could freeze them. Time to turn on the TV and eat something while I let the food roast. It was time to rest but not as bad as it had been the last couple of days. Now that I am trying to write this I feel sluggish and unable to concentrate. Tonight I'm thinking of a lamb burger for dinner, lets see if I have the energy to actually do more than a cheese sandwich. Its Friday so I still like to just kick back and hang out in front of the set with a fun-food.

Living in the Present

At least trying hard . . . It isn't as much work for me to be in the present as it is to be busy in the here and now. I seem to get into a silly little activity, like reading, journaling, and time goes by. Don't get me started on the heaarts game on FB, I can't even believe how time consuming that can be. I'm so upset to find that there is something that has finally caused me to use the "A" word to describe my overuse of it. That's ADDICTED for those who aren't sure. I think that when I escaped smoking, drinking, gambling and the usual awray of drugs, I knew that there was something out there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to get me. I also knew that with the amount of sitting around doing little to nothing on a regular basis that I would fall down that rabbit hole and not realize it.

Well, Lent is coming and I am needing to make changes. As I go thru my day being more conscious of my activities, what I do daily, my next step was to begin analyzing what part of my attitude range is causing me to stay in the rut and not even attempt to shift an inch. I mean, there are things that I hate doing, you have things you hate doing, we all do. So fine, great, let's leave them as long as possible . . . toilet bowl cleaning anyone? But, there are also things that I enjoy doing, loads of laundry, dusting with a great lemonny smelling polish, vacuuming. These are all things that I don't mind and have never had a problem getting done before, brushing Ch'ng and keeping her looking lovely.

So, back to Lent is coming and I am needing to make some changes. After analyzing my attitudes and reread my journal entries, where I complain about myself endlessly. Found out that the word I use to describe me most often is stubborn. Stubborn. STUBBORN. Yes, sad but true, I can think of things to do, make a list, commit to a friend, and its like dooming the process. Then I go and become attached to a stupid FB game . . . and that's what I can spend hours on??? I don't think so. So, after some real soul searching the word Stubborn came into an email I was writing and I thot,'Yes, that's it'. That's the thing that I am allowing to control me, stubbornly sitting in my mess choosing to behave in this 4-yr old fashion that stops me from doing anything productive.

My 9-yr old inner child said to me that I wouldn't let her do that, if she starts something I make her finish cuz its good for her soul. So why doesn't that count for me? I didn't have an answer, so I have to make changes. I'm going to go back to my Anglican roots, observe Lent this year the way I always used to, this year I'm not giving something up, I'm putting things in. First, I must explain that no TV or computer till 1 PM is the discipline to work towards. By having no screens on for all those hours I will have all that time to use in more constructive ways. If I really want to do nothing, sit and wait till 1 o'clock then so be it, I'll still have all that time to sit and think quietly, rest, play with the dog, be mad. Whatever as long as on Easter Day I have lived with no screens till the designated hour. I do have to use the computer for business reasons, so I need it regularly, just not in the mornings. Also, I am going to pray about letting go of the stubbornness and allowing more of what I like and want into my life. Being more productive, actually doing something with part of my days. This will be a much more gentle, appropriate, effective way to get myself turned around, its time to do something with the time I am given on earth.

Don't know if I'm going to post here everyday, as I find that turning the computer off at about 7 PM each evening gives me better rest at night. I'm going to document my daily activities and progress in my journal; I was looking for something to do for a year in this way but I'm not sure that I am capable of that right now, but whatever I can do to get moving is progress. So, 40 days. I'm starting to get things ready for March 9th, no itst not cheating, I'm hoping it will make getting into a routine of doing things everyday and being more productive easier. It doesn't all have to be like wearing a hair shirt.

Do What You Do

I am here with no agenda today. Its the end of February and for many years I have found it to be about the hardest month to go thru. No matter how hard I try to make things exactly the same as the rest of the year, there are always lumps in this month.

If I am going to have a car accident, it will be in February

If I'm going to have money problems, it will be in February

If there are weather issues, it will definitely be in February

Its all very depressing to think that I can get into a very low state over external conditions, but I take it all very personally. Like the weather going on outside is directed at me, not that a freak snow storm has come thru the entire area, on both sides of the border, really causing some people that have to be out trying to navigate around in it . . . o ya, those woul be the ones with a life that have reasons to get out of bed in the morning . . . going to work, getting kids to places, running out for suppiles. No matter if its for themselves or other people, they are out doing things, living lives and being productive.

I think I have had a lot of trouble trying to blog because I am trying to put a positive spin on me, my life. Its like I'm hiding the truth of my life from me, not anyone who would read it. It comes out in my writing, the lack of energy in my entries, no enthusiasim. How do I think that I can fool you? That's probly why, when I say No to people, they don't hear it, never mind believe it. There is no authenticity to my tone. I don't know who I am and I don't care enough to find out so I ignore myself and it gives others licence to do the same.

1. An honest ego in a healthy body

2. An eye to see nature

3. A heart to feel nature

4. Courage to follow nature

5. The sense of proportion (humor)

6. Appreciation of work as idea and idea as work

7. Fertility of imagination

8. Capacity for faith and rebellion

9. Disregard for commonplace (inorganic) elegance

10. Instinctive co-operation

Can aging and alone time help to make for a happier person? If so, God has given me a wonderful gift. Am I appreciating it to the fullest? Probly not, I never do till I look back and recognize how I wasted my time and energy. Right now I have the time to create a life that I want to live. I know that, but I give myself many many reasons (read: excuses) to ignore this.

Little tiny things like doing little things and create a routine, this is the beginning of being happy; usually they only take a minute or five and you know that its going to be taken care of each and every day. Happiness. Why doesn't that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Cuz those are the things you do for yourself and I have no desire to do anything for myself.

That is the thing that presents the question: WHY????

When I figure that out I'll be able to turn the corner on creating a new life.

Do What You Do.

So, many many many days later . . .

I have been just "livin' my life" and have been forgetting to record it here. I think, what have I been doing? I mean I get up in the mornings and start with some sort of activities that involve interaction with the girls (read: animals) and have little interaction with people during each day. I'm not sure why, guess I don't go out much, don't do much, don't have much money. Any one of those without being in combination are going to restrict my life, undeniably. But, when you put all of them together daily, it guarantees that whatever goes on within the walls has to be fairly interesting to keep me occupied or I will be a step away from the edge of the roof.

I've discovered this hearts game on FB and got sort of obsessed by it for a few days, I'd play and play and look up to see that it was hours later and I have done nothing in all this time. I did complete several puzzles, found a few people who would swap heats with me, I chatted with a couple. One is a guy and I keep thinking that he is trying to cyber-hit-on-me and it really bothers me that I am expected to excite some man in this way. He thinks I'm funny and likes it when I make my quippy comments, and I guess that's all he wants, so I'll play for a while. I like doing the puzzles.

Recently, I've been eating all the wrong things and feeling awful. Asthma is of course, one of the main issues, but I also feel all out of sorts, mood swings, lethargy, anger. It gets pretty ugly at times. So, Monday I began eating lots of fruit and vegetables and like I do best on and, of course, had a chunk of chocolate for valentines. I don't know why, it seemed like a good idea at the time, I suppose. I promise to be good from now on.

Tried cooking on the weekend, and whatever I said about it at the time, I have to erase all that and admit that it tasted like Crap. I still have it sitting in the pan and have to throw it all out, but its a terrible waste of ingredients and money and time. From now on I'm sticking to the produce and quick things that I do well on. Who do I think I am? A Food Guru?

Its been a hard week here, every time I start getting going I have a set back. No one's fault, nothing much happening, but it takes a toll on my energy and mental capacity so I go back to the couch and take time off. The confusion that comes on is quite dramatic and I can go that way myself if I'm not careful. So, the best thing for me to do is recover my mental strength. Ch'ng can tell the difference, she has been acting like a jerk lately. Decides that she wants to go for a walk on her on, expecting that I'll just follow along. So, its jewelry time for her for a bit of time till she gets straightened round again. I hate doing that but she has to know that I am in charge cuz I know what's best for her better than she does. Its tiring raising a perpetual 2-year old who thinks she's an empress.

I have to start winding this up now, I'm also finding that the computer is taking a toll on my mental energy, too. So, I have to shut down, and its already at least an hour past the time. I'm not going to look till I sign off and shut down, coward that I am.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race . . . so they say

The last couple of days have been quiet, confused, frustrating. You know how that can be, when you walk across the room and forget why you are there, over and over and over and eventually you get very frustrated with this complete mindless activity. It gets quiet real quick when things get confused and you just hang out on the couch to make life smaller. After spending Monday trying to get onto my new schedule to create routines and get things done, it was a mistake, a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE MISTAKE. That I was doing too much at once and getting overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe it. Then I had a burger on a bun (1st mistake) with cheddar cheese (2nd mistake) then I had ice cream (another mistake). See, there were mistakes coming and going and running into each other and after getting so tired from doing too much, I was a mess. Tuesday I did less and it went badly, started getting angry. Then I really knew it was time to quit and go rest . . . Right Now. Yesterday afternoon I came up with an idea on how to create a plan. I was pretty tired and couldn't hold two thots together so waited till I'd finally had a good nite's sleep. And Voila!! This morning I got up and was able to write it down in my morning journaling. I'm going to start small, work slowly, treat myself gently. WoW what a concept. Small is going to the Job Jar and pulling only one task for the day. Is it tiny? Only need 15-min to complete, set the timer and go do it. Is it larger? Needs to break down into 2-3 segments ( I like that word, segments) and set the timer and go work for 15-min, take a break for 15-min, need more? Set the timer for 10-min more. Need more time? Set the timer for a final 5-min; then set the timer for 15-min and go do more work. Rinse and repeat till the task is complete. Preferrably by noon, cuz I can't have lunch or turn on the set till its done, and we know how I hate to be told I can't have TV on don't we. There is also a list of fun activities for the break time that I can relax with. Then I have all afternoon to do more fun things, like this writing, to occupy myself with. This was the first day and I actually like it, feels small and long, but I am not overwhelmed and bitchy, angry, yelling. In fact, I'm almost looking forward to tomorrow when I can do it again. Oh ya, I forgot one part. This is going to be a 7-day a week program. I read somewhere that people who have some conditions, like MS, have to be on a regular routine that doesn't change, even one day of change, like staying up too late on a Saturday nite, or sleeping in too long on Sunday can cause problems. So, I thot I'd try it out and see if I could get things going along slowly and steadily.

Now, I'm off to my next fun activity, working on the sweater I'm knitting.

Eating Ice Cream Out of the Tub

So, my day thus far, meaning that I'm not in bed and sleeping yet. Its been interesting, had a huge windstorm gusts up to 55 mph and then rain torrents followed. For me this made it an indoors sort of day. But I got up and made my little list, pulled from my job jar and then started picking at things to do. Funny, when I took three separate slips from the jar: 1) sweep a floor 2) wash a floor 3) clean bathroom It just sort of screamed at me to do all these things IN THE BATHROOM! So, that's what I did. My mandate was to give the bathroom the lemon-fresh scent that I used to be able to get. Guess you have to do it more than once every couple of years, huh. Anyhow, after I moved the dirty laundry out I had enough for a load . . . at least, so I did a load of wash. This all sounds great doesn't it. What I'm not telling you is that I did not get anything folded and put away. That will have to wait till tomorrow. I did some writing in the afternoon. Still spent too much time on the internet, but grabbed my trusty timer and broke away from it for 15 minute stints to do cleaning. Do you know how long 15-min of cleaning time is? I tell you, its exhausting, I just kept going and going and going and nearly got the whole room done all at once. That's scary, I tell ya. It felt like I was working real hard and needed coffee, pant, pant, pant. I'm tired tonight, between doing work and arguing with my inner-child about what we could be doing, and what we should do next. I don't think we need a tub of ice cream to celebrate every aspect of the day, and I did the work, all she did was tag along and complain all day. There's still more to do, dishes, grind coffee, eat ice cream, folding . . . WHAT????? Folding fool, all of which have to go on tomorrow's list and do along with the three new tasks. Now, I'm off to do some knitting and have an orange before bed. Oh, do you know how good ice cream from the tub is? Its loverly, I tell ya.

Sunday is a Lot of Work

Getting up in the dark as I do everyday, trying to get the coffee started before Molly started wanting outside. Its raining hard, and she won't stay out. Finally I dropped the spoon and open the door, now I can finish measuring out coffee. Darn that cat, just one day I'd like to get the coffee put together before she starts, its always a fight she wins. Heat, light, paper for morning writing, getting three pages done as quick as possible. Coffee's ready, Molly wants in, Ch'ng isn't moving, no desire to go out. You'd think it was too much trouble to go have a piddle while the door is open anyhow, but no, she will hold out till I get my duds on and take her for a proper walk. She's smart, I'll give her that, only goes out for treats. So, wait suckah!! After the writing was done I got thinking about my day, as they are announcing that its going to be rainy and wind gusting up to 45-55 mph in this area, out isn't the place I'm spending any time. And its Super Bowl day so nothing's on TV. There's about fifty things going thru my head to fill the hours. Hate you, stupid banner thinking. Reading: Dreamers of the Day New Book: LM Alcott's Whispers in the Dark Knitting: sweater in teal Story to work on, got a couple or three or eleven Inner-kid Diary: an update on what she thinks I need to accomplish. Oooooooooh yes, I do really want to hear about that. She's very busy and has her own set of books to read, I'm running out of time here . . . and you can knit while you watch TV, don't you know???? Abacus: practice in front of the TV Organizing: keep working on the spare room to get all the papers stored/recycled/tossed. Bathroom: CLEAN IT!!!!!!! No? Eat something: What??? Even after going for groceries I don't have anything in to eat. I never have anything to eat 'cept chips, but that doesn't appeal for breakfast. How bout ice cream then, its dairy. NO. Harp: practice now that my finger is healed from being chopped with the vegetables. This is a list that needs to go into a book or something. How do you choose when you get that many things come into your head all at the same time? That's one thing I have never figured out. How can you get that many thots in your head at the same time and not get hurt? nother thing I've never figured out. Guess this is how, when you have a perfectly good name, you get a nickname. A perfectly ordinary-looking person who, once you get closer, is just running around with one foot nailed to the floor. That's when you get named TIZZIE. Gotto go wish all my football pals Happy Super Bowl Day!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bank and Ice Cream

It must be that the weekend makes life work better. I made coffee first and got the cat outside, for the first time of the day, and sat down to do my daily morning pages. So far everything was going well. Time to let Molly (cat ) in again . . . get coffee refill . . . Back on the couch, still writing so I can finish my daily assignment. All the time I was thinking about the bank, did the money come in? Or am I relegated to the house for the weekend. Funny how I felt punished and like I wanted to go out, for the first time in years, when it looks like I might not be able to do anything. I was listening to the radio, there was a book group talking about Carol Shields the author, kept me distracted till I got up the nerve to check the bank. O gawd, what if its not there!! YaY!! its in, whew, now I can go . . . where???? I don't know, where? What is the plan now that I have money? Dunno. Hold on . . cat needs out . . o hell, I'll get coffee Well time for that later, first things first, and that means get the dog out cu she's dancin'. Had a chat with a neighbor, she has the cutest little Peakinese. Back inside, coffee time :) Phone rings, not a telemarketer -hate you, telemarketer. A real call, long distance, and a couple of hours later, I'm hanging up and thinking what I'm going to do now that I can go out. Ice Cream. Ice cream is a very good reason to g out and be in stores. I was going to go over to the Dairy Queen, after all I got my money and I saved myself $5.05 on cauliflower y'day, but I won't do that, I'm sort of boycotting that store and all specialty stores that they have put the HST Tax on everything and made it A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE!!!!!!! I hate that our government just throws tax on us any way they feel like it. Don't you know that we don't all have six-figure salaries???????? So, ice cream ended up being a $20 bag of stuff. All the stuff that I didn't get y'day when I thot I was going to be broke for the weekend, and now I'm not broke so I have ice cream. And hotdogs, a favorite junk food is hotdogs with mustard on a great bun (hard to find so have to get whaterver they have on hand) burnt to a crisp. This seems to be a day of me doing a whole lot of self-care and I don't do bubble baths and candles and smelly stuff. Ooooooh, I may never walk again, but I DO leave the pots till tomorrow when pamper day is over. Gave Ch'ngy a brushing, you know that made her happy, she just sits real still and glares till I'm done, its like punishiment with treats afterwards. Then she's happy. I did knitting on my sweater, the new project I'm working on to get completed and sense accomplishment over. Its a teal shrug-type sweater, and as long as I don't get too fat for it on hotdogs and ice cream its gonna be great for spring. Getting a brainstorm for a story I'm working on, gotta go.

The Mess I Call My Life: Where Is That Remote?

The Mess I Call My Life: Where Is That Remote?

Where Is That Remote?

My life feels like pretty much of a mess right now. I live with my dog Ch'ng Li, my cat Molly, books, computer, writing, harp, TV and most of the time . . . the remote. I hate housework and cooking, so therefore I live pretty casually for the most part. I'm an English and History major with a smattering of Psychology. I'm also at the difficult end of the hiring scale, being on the dark side of fifty and haven't done enough in any one career to actually say I have one. Except fora lot of experience in library/filing/research work, which I love, but there is no need for it with computers. The last place I worked I had a facilitating postion and ran around after everyone, that ended when the company was bought out and I got laid off. That is very important, it means that I was not fired or let go for any reason other than there was no more job, not due to my inefficiency. But, that was a year ago and I am now going to learn to live on my own income that has been put aside for me to use. I used to be married, legally I still am, but he had other plans for his life and I spent a lot of years going thru the worst time of my life. The shock sent me into a tailspin, complete with PTSD, lapses in memory, and absolutely no concentration. I had been in the midst of taking my high school diploma so I could begin taking university courses for and English degree when KaBOOM!!!!! My life blew up. I felt like I was a walking earthquake, out of control, weak, walking into walls, crying, numb for years, life was just plain surreal, I couldn't tell reality from imagination. Years and years and years pass . . . . Sitting here tonight mulling over the day, I want to turn down the sound on my best friend, TV, and there it is, gone again. Where is that damned remote? The one question I ask more often in a day than anything else. I'll look for it later, right now I'm mulling. When I woke up this morning, I remembered (something! anything!) that I had transferred money from another account to be here by today, for the weekend. Now that I am not working, can't find work, unemployment has run out, I'm living on savings (Read: Independently Wealthy) but only if the funds come in. So, I got coffee, high finance always requires coffee, and turned on the computer to check the bank account. Well, guess what? It wasn't there, big surprise. Called the transferring bank and they said it left, I tried to hold it together and not fall apart with my money lost in cyber space. I rang off and called the second bank. They said that it would take 1-2 business days to clear, that means Monday at the earliest. Someone really does think I'm independently wealthy and doesn't care that I am trying very hard to hold the threads of my life together. Suddenly, I can think of about a thousand things I need and can't wait even a minute longer. I am all out of food for the animals and can't wait till the bank decides to release my money. So, after saying good bye to Ch'ng and asking forgiveness for not leaving her home for an hour instead of leaving her to sit in a car alone while I do this errand, off I went to the grocery store I only needed a few things so who needs a list. Getting into the store was good for Friday afternoon traffic. Headed to the pet food isle first and grabbed that. That's the point when the confusion sets in, buying a few things for me is much more complicated. I head to the produce isle and can't focus, my mind is on ice cream, dark chocolate, while over at the dried fruit bin I started fondling the lid of the dark chocolate, back to the apricots and prunes, hard choice here. Had to pass frozen pizzas and chips as I ambled over to the oranges and tomatoes. They had cauliflower for $1.68 each, good price, its mine. Got thru the check-out and back home in good time. For some reason I checked the till strip and saw cauliflower: 4@ $1.68 = $6.72 . . . What??? I didn't buy 4! I am not pay seven bucks for cauliflower!!! So I grabbed the cauli and the receipt and tossed them in a bag and off to the store I went. I practiced smiling on the way, if it was their mistake, me in a rotten mood wouldn't endear me to their heart and they might not be very helpful. But, as I walked in beaming and some old guy jockeyed in front of me with his lottery ticket, I'm waiting and smiling :) When I got to the counter, she said, "oh, she overcharged you, a lot." I got my $5.05 back and left, without ice cream, it wasn't on sale. So, here I am sitting on the couch, scared to check the bank and . . . where is that damn remote? Now that I have spent all my cash on the groceries I have to sit here all weekend, broke. Feeling poor. Boy, next time I have to transfer funds I am going to do it by phone and make them do all the work so it will get done right the first time. I'll never get this technology right, there's always a button that I miss and the transaction doesn't go thru. Right now I have this strange feeling of . . um, er, dunno, aside from the animals, feeding them, cleaning the litter box, walking little precious, I have no responsibility to anyone. The money I receive will cover my expenses till I can collect the government pension and continue to live as I am now, basically. Since the big KaBOOM I have had little interest in activities, pastimes, life. Having newly discovered the endless, empty days and a remote, I have done little with my time since Christmas when I completed my last course and passed well. It was meant to get me a job, but not in this economy where the competition is so intense. I have never had to go do the hard stuff to get work and having strolled thru the golden arches of fifty has made it increasingly difficult to the point that I have lost all interest in working also. This year, as usual, I have set some goals for the year. The difference between resolutions and goals is that resolutions are made to be broken and never see the light of day past Jan 31 any year. Goals, on the other hand, are made with the expectation of starting small and building to the end of the year, doing regular bits and by the end of the year it is completed. Of course, it doesn't always work, but unlike the 'joining a gym' type that are designed to not work, these are designed to be continued year after year until I finally take an interest. O yes, take an interest, that could be my mantra for the year, smile and take an interest. Well, thati's it for now, I am off to get into comfies and get ready for anything good on TV . . where is that damn remote? I have to go look, its driving me crazy.

Not My Mess

This has been a very strange day. I had an appointment at my bank for 10 o'clock this morning, I turned up on time, much to my surprise. I went to the front counter to let them know I was there and the receptionist looked confused. She told me the woman I was seeing doesn't work on Monday and my appointment is for tomorrow. We went round and round about how the mistake could have been made, in the end, she was not there, probly gave me the wrong day and I have to return tomorrow. I went for groceries and, as usual, it was hard trying to remember what I need without any list. I didn't want to be there and didn't want to leave without the few things I needed. Really didn't want to pick up ice cream and other things I don't need. Finally, I was able to go thru the under 9 item check-out with my purchases. Nearly home, feeling safe. Walked in the door and dumped the bags on the kitchen floor. As I was taking off my coat the phone rang, it was my son. He's not doing well, can't get work. He was ranting and raving for a long time and at one point I thot I needed to tell him I had to go, then I realized that that's exactly what I have sounded like with people and I needed to be heard. So, I settled in and listened till it was time for him to get going. It doesn't help him get work, but it makes him feel better to know that he can say what he wants to and get it out. I think he's depressed right now, to be expected, but listening to him is the only thing I'm in the position to do for him. I had plans to get a couple of things done this afternoon but after I got off the phone I needed to sit down with a hot coffee and have a break . . . too much day . . . I actually dropped off and had a nap to refresh my mind. Tomorrow I will be going back down to the bank and see if I can get in for my appointment. They say if you have a tough Monday, the rest of the week will be great. Meg :)

Year End Summary

I haven't been around much, I know. What do you do when there is less going on in your life than opportunities to write about them. This past year I had the idea that I would start this column and then create activities to document here. June was the last time that life seemed to be ordinary enogh to tell anyone about. During July I began having financial problems right after I decided that I'd take a new course, spent the month juggling things. In Auguast I took a let's-go-get-a job-club couple of weeks and ended up with nothing to show for it. I had thot I could have dealt with a light-work job but all they seemed to want me to do big full time jobs and I knew it wasn't up to it. September came and I started a Medical Terminology course that took a lot of my time. I had been told that I would be able to get a job with it and apply at VIHA for a desk job doing paper work, you can get part time and that suited me just fine. Each month held its own set of problems of course and I had to deal with those plus work on the studies. October didn't seem any worse than the rest, but I'd gotten into a rut of studying and attending class twice weekly by then. I began thinking about playing some Christmas music and using the abacus practice that I like to do to give me breaks and keep my mind active. It feels like I'm in a tizzy of madness and I often wonder if I'm making the best use of my time. I was making pretty good marks but there were other students going for the same thing and there are few jobs really. In November I started hearing that there was more to applying for the job than just passing this course. I sort of ignored it, I had paid for the course, passed the deadline for getting out with any reimbursement, might as well stay and complete the challenge. I was getting really tired, sleeping more and finding it harder to retain information. It comes to me that I really won't be able to handle full time work, started getting that groggy feeling like I did when I'd overdone it at other jobs. December is the beginning of reviewing plus studying the new work, I have forgotten how to do that and it felt like I was getting further and further behind and would I be able to cut it at the final exam? There was a huge wind & rain storm so class was canceled so that pushed the last class to an extra session. Its a good thing I didn't have any big Christmas stuff to take care of, I would never have been able to do it. I took the final exam on the 20th and it was over and I was relieved. I had been invited over to a neighbor's place and all I had to do was bake a plate of tarts and bring my harp to play as my contribution. Well, I don't want to go into it here, we had a disagreement and she called off dinner, so then I had nothing to do for Christmas. That's it for now, more later . . .